Just less than a year has gone by without any dates, texting a guy, kisses, basically nothing! I’m a nun at this point and obviously feeling very apprehensive about the idea of going anywhere near anyone again, especially in an intimate setting. My only two sexual experiences at now 21 years old were close together and blurred into my warped view of intimacy. Unfortunately I don’t know any different yet…
However, I am strong. I’ve found my feet again by this point and I’m taking that proverbial bull by those big ugly horns and I’m going to start dating again dammit! That’s exactly what I did and in true me style, my first one in the game again was a good one (well by that I mean a funny disaster story).
I met Simon on a student night out in the grimiest little club known to all my fellow students at University. It was one of those clubs where your feet stick to the floor, the air smells of vomit, sweat and any other bodily fluid you can think of to be honest. On a Wednesday night it was heaving with all the sports teams and societies all dressed up ready to find a mating partner for one night only and drink their body weight in cheap, watered down alcohol. Ah, to be a student again. Anyway back to Simon. He got chatting because I was sober, and so was he. He came over to apologise for one of his drunken mates attempting to flirt with my drunken friend. We got chatting and he asked me if I wanted to go to a house party he was having the next night. He was studying medicine, had a good sense of humour and he was so engaging in conversation that I accepted the invitation and obviously gave him my number. Result!
The next day Simon messaged me. We did the whole small talk thing: “How was your night?” “Yeah good thanks, you?” – you get the picture. He then sent me the details of the house party that night with his address and telling me I could bring some friends. Good news, I’ll have back up should I need it. Bad news, my housemates and close friends all had plans or deadlines to meet. I messaged a few course mates and luckily, found someone to go with me. Panic over. We arranged to meet at hers and got a taxi from there that evening. Once we arrived and got inside I found Simon pretty quickly. He came over and said hello and introductions were done. For me the majority of the night was spent just chatting with Simon. We clicked and conversation flowed effortlessly. Later on in the night Simon offered to give me a tour of their student house which, I must admit, was the most incredible student house I had ever been in! They had a hot tub, brand new kitchen and bathrooms, an incredible TV with sound system and speakers everywhere. Anyway, Simon gave me a quick tour which ended with his room as it was at the top of the house (classic move to get a girl in your room). I walked in and noticed that every inch of wall space was covered in plastic drawer units. What guy needs that much storage space! Then I noticed that each and every drawer was home to a snake! I’m not fussed about snakes; if anything I think they’re pretty cool but who needs that many living in their room? Obviously I asked him how many snakes he had and he started going off about how he loves snakes so much and has 37 in total living in his room. 37 snakes? Well, each to their own and, like I said, snakes don’t bother me.
I turned my back to Simon as he told me about the snakes and walked around the room peering into each drawer to get a closer look of each one. I was so busy looking at the snakes and listening to Simon go on about them that I hadn’t even taken note or looked at him during this. I turned back to face him and what stood before me had me biting my lip to stop myself laughing.
Simon had, impressively quickly and quietly I might add, stripped stark naked and was stood before me with a huge (stop those dirty thoughts)…. smile on his face and said words to me that I will never forget “Do you want to get a closer look at the 38th snake in the room?” Oh sweet Jesus. Even using every ounce of will power I had, I could not stop myself from laughing the hardest and loudest I had laughed in that past year. You have to admire the man’s courage and fair play to him on the ingenuity of his chat up line. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t having any of it. I simply thanked him so much for inviting me to the party and went downstairs in a fit of giggles, found my friend and left. I saw Simon a few times after that on nights out and although we never went on any proper dates, we still did the small talk thing each time. We were always polite to each other although neither of us ever uttered a word of the 38th snake while in each others’ presence.