Colin* – Customer Service

Colin* and I met while I was working one of my acting stints. He worked in the customer service department and came across as a bit of a cheeky chappy but he had a slightly dorky quality which I quite liked. One day after work he asked for my name and added me on Facebook. We got talking and I learned that we had a lot in common. After a while of talking we agreed to have a date. We were going to head up to London for dinner and a show at the theatre. I love the theatre so was very excited! I prefer darker stuff and not really a fan of musicals but he wanted to see a musical so we did. I was still happy and knew it would be a good laugh.

We met at the tube station and made our way into central London to see his musical of choice. The show was good. Not my kind of theatre but I couldn’t deny the talent and it was fun. He doesn’t the make me pay for all his food which is a plus and he hasn’t punched me yet. All is looking positive so far. The first half was over and as I look over at Colin I notice that, wait, hold on a minute, is he crying?? Yep. Yes he is crying! He must have received a text message with some bad news or something. There is no other possible explanation for this. I put my hand on his shoulder and ask if he’s alright. His reply? “oh yeah fine, it’s that bit with the two boys doing the ballet gets me every time”. Oh sweet mother of God. I thought we had a lot in common but I didn’t realise a vagina was one of them. I am all for a man who is in touch with his feminine side and there is nothing wrong with a man who cries but this? The happy ballet scene in a musical! No. I shouldn’t judge him and brush him off based on this. I mean, I’ve probably done something already he didn’t like or found weird. We’ll go have some dinner and just get on with the date.

We walk to a restaurant just near the theatre and start chatting over dinner. See, how could I be so quick to write him off? Then just when I thought everything would be alright Colin starts talking about the future. Not just the future though. No no, he talks about OUR future! He talks about how if we got married he’d see us having three kids. He talks about how we’d have two boys and a girl. He’s got names for them. We’re having a dog too apparently. I’m also a stay at home mum while he works for a big business. We take skiing holidays all the time. It goes on!! I came out on a first date with someone and now I’ve ended up married with three kids, a dog and I don’t work!! I decided to pipe up and tell him that actually I wouldn’t want to be a stay at home mum. I like working. At this, Colin laughs (out loud) and tells me not to be so ridiculous. I shouldn’t want to work after I’ve had kids. Isn’t that what women wait for so they can stop working? That’s the point I realise this will never work out.

I have to sit through dinner hearing more about my life that he’s written out for me. It’s safe to say that after we parted ways, we didn’t see each other again.


Mark* – Insurance Salesman

It’s 2012 still. I’ve turned 22 and I’m back home after finishing my degree! I meet Mark* on a Monday night. Monday night is student night out at home so my sister and I decide to hit the town.

Whilst in the outside area of a club, a tall guy comes over and starts chatting to me. He introduces himself and asks me about myself. Mark is confident and a little cocky but he seems fun so after spending the night chatting I agree to give him my number. A few nights later we go out for a drink. Simple.

We meet at a bar and instantly the conversation is flowing. He is younger than me and works in insurance sales. At first he seemed great; like a really fun guy but as the date goes on I can’t help but notice that Mark is staring at almost every girl who walks past our table. He’s not just staring at them blankly or on the sly but he is blatantly eyeing every girl up and down. I ignore it at first. At some point during the conversation he starts talking about his ex girlfriend. OK, that’s fine, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me until he tells me how she was a model. Not only does he mention in passing that she was a model but he begins to describe her physical appearance in detail and how hot she is; right down to the little details like how delicate her nails are and how she had the best (excuse me for this) “p**sy” he’s ever had. From there Mark decides to tell me that his ideal woman is a size 6, 5ft 8 girl with long dark hair and who has either an Irish or European accent! OK then. Well dick wad if she’s your perfect girl why the hell are you on a date with me; a size 8/10 5ft 4 blonde with an English accent and nothing exotic?? Idiot.

At this point I’ve obviously made it clear with my facial expressions that I am not impressed because Mark suggests we leave. After 4 hours of him blabbing on about other women I’m happy to oblige! As we leave a tall and very slim brunette walks in and catches Mark’s eye. He stops for a second and turns back to look at her “sorry babe, do you mind if we just say goodnight here? I’m gonna stay for a bit longer” Hahaha. Without saying a word, I turn on my heel and walk right out of that door leaving him with his perfect woman and wondering what the hell I must have done to deserve this many frogs! Not just men who are wrong for me but men who are wrong for almost any woman.

So that was Mark. A step down from Andy in terms of his chivarl traits but a good story to laugh at nonetheless. I’ve also got to hand it to him, at least he’s arrogant enough to make it clear you aren’t right for him rather than leading you on.