Jack* – Accountant

Before I start delving into this story I would like to first warn you that this is why I made my rule about discussing sex. Just to recap, I stated that I would only discuss sex if it was absolutely crucial to the story. Without beating round the bush, sex is absolutely crucial to this tale. If you don’t want to read it then I recommend closing this page now before you go on further. I have argued with myself over this story because I feared it would be crude but it’s one of my funnier stories so I couldn’t leave it out! Besides, I promised I would be honest throughout so here goes….

I had actually met Jack* way back in 2009 on a night out with the girls but I never really spoke to him again and nothing happened but in 2015 when I bumped into him we said hello and did the small talk catch up. Jack was extremely handsome and confident just as I remembered. I was still feeling a little gutted about how Jamie (my previous post) had left things with me so I wasn’t exactly looking to rush into anything, but when Jack asked me if I fancied going for a drink sometime, I decided why the hell not? A good looking, confident and funny guy had asked me out so I was not saying no to this. Besides, it was a nice confident boost and made me feel good about myself.

My first date with Jack landed on the same day as one of the England World Cup Rugby games which we both wanted to watch so luckily we planned our date at a bar where the game would be shown. I walked in and instantly felt butterflies because I think I’d forgotten just how hot Jack is! The place was rammed so at the bar we ended up standing close (the butterflies loved that) and ordered drinks. Throughout the night we laughed, a lot, talked about our jobs, family and of course watched the game at the same time. He even made comments about how awesome it was I was so into Rugby; RESULT! I’m scoring points with this one so I know it’s going well. Once the game finished we moved on to another pub and sat and talked for hours! Jack had the same sense of humour as me and made me laugh until my stomach hurt. As it got to 1am we realised it was probably time to head home and say our goodbyes…. Now stop what you’re thinking right now! We did not have sex on our first date. We didn’t even kiss thank you.

Me and Jack continued chatting and organised a second and third date. Our second date went pretty much how the first one went and the third date is where things got interesting. On our third date, Jack asked me out for cocktails and then dinner. I met him in a bar and we had some cocktails alongside more laughing. Yes, ok so we laughed a lot. After cocktails we went across the road for dinner. One thing you should know about tonight is that I had got the train in so I could have a few drinks. The last train home is just after midnight. One thing you should know about me is that I don’t drink wine! Wine gets me drunk too quickly and I don’t even really like the taste. While ordering dinner I settled to drink a coke and some water to keep sober after our cocktails. Jack had a different idea because while I nipped off to the loo, he ordered a bottle of wine to the table for us. Oh bollocks! I couldn’t tell him I hated drinking wine so I sat and drank two glasses of wine with dinner – No no no! By the time the bill came I was tipsy and trying my best to act as sober as possible. Jack had other ideas and suggested going somewhere else for another drink. I enjoyed his company so much I didn’t want the night to end yet so I agreed and we got another drink. That’s it now, I’ve mixed my rum based cocktails with two glasses of wine and now a southern comfort. I’m feeling drunk and oh my god what time is it?? I’ve missed the last train home.

A taxi home will cost me £60 which is my only option now. Jack has to get a taxi home too and he does live on the way so maybe we could share a taxi and split the costs. Ok this sounds plausible. On the walk down to the taxi rank it suddenly dawns on me that Jack hasn’t tried to kiss me once and this is the end of our third date! Well then I’ll have to take that bull by the proverbial horns and take the lead. As we walk over a little bridge with the lights around us I take his hand and pull him towards me and we kiss. The sound of the river beneath our feet; the fairy lights hung in the willow tree behind us and the quiet air of us being alone standing on that stone bridge. I know, how ridiculously romantic and perfectly set for our first kiss. My dutch courage had timed that perfectly! Anyway, we’ve kissed now and so we get in a taxi and give the driver the address for our first stop; Jack’s house. We kiss again in the taxi and as we pull up to Jack’s house, I find myself thinking screw it so I get out with him and thank the taxi driver (after we paid him of course). I am 24 years old and single and I’ve always lived my life being boring and having a guard up so why the hell not! I like this guy and he seems to like me so I’m going to live a little.

Jack opens the door and we walk inside. Right, last chance to switch off and stop reading because this is it! Jack turns around to me and he pulls me closer to kiss me deeply and passionately. His hands are finding their way into my hair and I’m thinking “wow. This is going to be amazing”. Jack picks me up (with ease I might add so I must not need the gym that much) and sits me on the edge of the kitchen table. Clothes are being pulled over heads and I’m still thinking this will be incredible! We rush upstairs in our underwear and into his room. What happens now is not at all the fun, living life, incredible night I was expecting. Without going into too much detail, most of you will understand the importance of foreplay. I don’t want to sound crude but you don’t drive a car with no oil in it. When you’re cooking you prepare your ingredients. Preparation is key otherwise it will just be an extremely uncomfortable experience for everyone involved; especially a girl! Before I can even think about foreplay, Jack has removed my knickers and he’s gone in for the kill. He’s plunged right in without any warning whatsoever. Holy crap this is uncomfortable and slightly painful. How he can’t see the discomfort all over my face I don’t know because I am not hiding it well. Anyway, moving on. Once it was all over for him we turned and went to sleep. My Mum picked me up the next day and I explained the whole ordeal to her.

Jack and I continued chatting because he was clearly none the wiser of his mistake. I, however, spent the next few days dealing with what felt like friction burn! Four of my closest girl friends found the whole thing hilarious and even coined the nickname Dry Boy for Jack. After a few days I decided I had to tell him how uncomfortable I was feeling now because I was filled with anxiety of ever having sex with him again. I sent him a text message saying that “maybe next time we could engage in a little more foreplay? I’ve been feeling a little sore since our antics”. That message could be the end. He might be so embarrassed that he never talks to me again. He replied laughing and saying it was the best message he’d ever received. Thank god his sense of humour is as good as I thought. He promised that next time would be better. All it took was a message being honest. Our fourth date was organised and Jack planned on cooking me dinner.

The fourth date came around and Jack cooked me a delicious dinner at his house. There was no embarrassment and neither of us mentioned my message (phew). Then, it happened. We went upstairs and I have no idea what he was doing but Jack tried some kind of foreplay. His action was very quick and could only be compared to tapping a teaspoon on a hard boiled egg to break the shell. Before I knew it, I was experiencing de ja vu from our last night together. This was it. If I stayed with Jack, I was destined to experience nights like this every time. Jack was amazing. He was incredibly good looking, funny, confident and we had a great time together but what do I do? The next day I left after breakfast and, again, he was none the wiser. I sat with friends and asked them for advice about what I should do. I didn’t want to end things but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. We just weren’t sexually compatible. I felt so disheartened but didn’t want to give up so I carried on as if nothing had happened. I continued chatting with Jack and decided that at some point before our next date, I would have to be honest and talk to him about it. We just liked different things and maybe I was different to girls he’d been with previously in that I needed more attention in that area before the main event.

I never got a chance to talk to him or see him again because Jack ended things with me. One Monday morning he sent me a message explaining that he was moving jobs and moving house so he just didn’t have time to date anyone. Well I appreciated his honesty (or what I thought was honesty). Maybe he could sense that we just didn’t fit sexually. Maybe my message had hurt his pride and he couldn’t deal with it. Who knows but he definitely wasn’t honest with me. Less than a week after ending it with me my friend messaged me with a picture of him on a date, in the same restaurant as her, at the table right next to her!! She took the photo subtly but it was definitely him. I was updated throughout the night and apparently the girl he was with spent most of the night looking in the mirror at herself; charming. Later that night I heard news from my inside spy that he had taken his date to the pub…. THAT I WORK IN! He knows I work there because he used to come in and see me while I was working including Valentine’s Day! Luckily I wasn’t working that night but he didn’t know that. For all he knew I was working a shift and would potentially even serve them at the bar so he could rub it in my face that actually he’d lied to me and just didn’t have the balls to be honest (I see a theme running through most of my blog posts now – the men I choose lie). Another of my secret spies passed on that Jack’s date was such a delight that she repeatedly stood outside the front of the pub and stuck her fingers down her throat to make herself sick (charming). What was he thinking taking someone on a date to the pub he knows I work in, after telling me he doesn’t have time to date? What happened to just being honest?

So that’s Jack. To anyone who was offended by my post, I would apologise but I gave you plenty of warning about the sex bit. You have only yourself to blame for letting your curiosity get the better of you.


Jamie* – Tree Surgeon/Builder

My Christmas list now only asks for cats. I might as well start collecting them because I’m heading towards cat lady spinster town.

My mind replays Brian’s betrayal and his treatment of me over and over, questioning what I did wrong. It also replays my time with Richard. Did I not deserve real love from him? When I think about the men who have had the biggest impact on my life these two make up half. The other half consists of the man who assaulted me and my Father. The others were me crawling around in the dark trying to make sense of dating and falling in love. Then I met Jamie*. I’d met Jamie before through a friend from work but when I really met him, I had shut down. Jamie was the best friend of my friend’s boyfriend (keep up with me here). I’d met him months earlier at her birthday drinks and he’d been into the pub I worked at a few times. My friend Jo* messaged me one night telling me that Jamie had asked for my number because he thought I was hot. I gave her permission to pass it on but never heard anything more.

Months have passed by and I am closed for business in terms of dating. I’m spending my time working two jobs (one full time and one part time) so I’m busy. I don’t have time to even think about men right now. Then one night Jamie comes into the pub I work in. We catch up although his friend is much more outgoing than he is. We do the small talk and eventually he asks me to join them when I finish my shift. The next few nights follow the same pattern. Jamie comes in while I’m working and we chat. Our chatting makes the natural progression into texting (ooh saucy). Before I go further into Jamie I should point out that my heart has been placed into a metal cage. I have been hurt more times than I ever thought I would be. It’s not easy for me to rip my heart out and pin it to my sleeve but Jamie changed that; and not in a good way I must add.

So Jamie and I organise dates. I reluctantly go on the first few and find that actually we have a lot in common and I like his charm. But my guard is still up! I’m not breaking down that easy. Jamie was funny and appeared to be honest (hindsight is a bitch because he was never honest). One night I end up staying at his parents with him and he tells me he really likes me. I’m not there. I didn’t say it back. I had that awkward ‘what the hell do I say back?’ and settled with a thank you. My heart is staying firmly inside my chest thank you very much. I’m not falling for this and getting hurt yet again! Jamie asks to spend time with me whenever possible. I tell him I’m busy with two jobs but he insists and so we fit in dates here and there whenever we can and we have fun together. Jamie makes me laugh and I feel like I can be myself with him.

Oh I forgot to tell you that Jamie has moved to Sheffield since I first met him and so we both know our time together is limited (seems to be a theme for me). I’m enjoying our time together a lot, but I’m not getting attached because the goodbye is coming. Jamie has told me again he really likes me but the metal bars still imprison my little beating heart. I’m not making this mistake again! Jamie has to go back to Sheffield and on our last night together he asks me to come and stay with him for a weekend. Sorry I’ll rephrase that; he practically begged me to stay with him. He tells me he likes me and it would be nice to have me visit. He tells me we’ll have a night out and we can go for a walk. We can laugh more and be ourselves more together. Surely if he’s saying these things and asking me to visit he really does like me? This means what he’s saying is true right? He has an out. He’s going back to Sheffield yet he’s not walking away instantly with his get out of jail free card: jail being some kind of relationship with me. OK. I’ll go and stay in Sheffield with him for a weekend.

At work I book my weekend off and let Jamie know. He says he’s excited. The next few weeks he sends me messages about how excited he is to see me. He’s counting down the days. Then the counting stops because the day has arrived. Jamie decided to come see his parents the night before so we can drive up to Sheffield together. I’m driving because he doesn’t have a car. The weekend was perfect! I don’t need to go through details of dinners, walks in the Peak District or by the lake, of mornings laughing in bed together. It was a weekend I’ll never forget. Jamie still tells me he likes me. I still can’t say it back. I still can’t trust that I won’t get hurt. I leave on the Sunday night and drive home alone. Jamie and I continue messaging over the next week or so and then I realise that I do like him back. I message him to tell him. I don’t tell him I love him. I don’t scare him off. I simply let him know that I finally reciprocate the feelings he’s been repeatedly telling me he has for me.

I hear nothing back that night. The next day I receive a message from Jamie telling me that he’s not in the same place as me and wants to end things. EXCUSE ME? Not in the same place as me?? I was never in the same place but he continuously tried to drag me into that place because that’s where he repeatedly told me he was. I was safe. I was guarded and caged up with my heart firmly inside of my chest. He forced me out of my safety zone and into the same place that he kept telling me he was. He made me vulnerable by lying to me about his feelings until I felt the same.

Since then he hasn’t spoken to me. Sometimes I work the odd shift in the pub again and he comes in with his friends but he never says a word to me. He either feels the guilt of what he did or he’s a coward. OK well there’s no question about him being a coward! I learned, through the valuable facebook stalking methods, that Jamie had a new girlfriend very shortly after ending things with me. A few weeks shortly after in fact. What I will never understand is why he was never honest with me about that. I knew the distance was an issue. He should have told me he’d met someone who lived near him and so he didn’t want to continue whatever we were doing. I would have respected that. Jamie led me on more than anyone ever has. I should have stayed in my safe place with the metal bars around me.

Ollie* – Actor

In 2014 I went back to my acting roots and auditioned to work for my second Halloween season as an actor at a popular theme park. My first season working there had been the best job I ever had, even if it was just temporary. I met some amazing people, made some great friends and great memories and I couldn’t wait to go back to make more friends and memories! I was given the job and couldn’t wait to get started.

During my second season is where I met Ollie*. This story is quite a short one but it’s one that gave me a nudge into the next one so it has some importance. He was a fellow actor but working in one of the other mazes. Our two mazes shared a green room (you know, the room where we all get ready and eat food and just laugh and have fun outside of the show) so we ended up seeing each other a lot. What people don’t see when they walk through the mazes is how much pressure us actors put on ourselves physically. We throw our bodies around in attempts to get the best scares so we hurt ourselves… A lot! The first time I spoke to Ollie was because he had done just that. He’d cut his chest after running into part of the maze. We laughed about it and started sharing stories of our injuries, cuts, bruises and even sometimes, concussions. Ollie was younger than me, a few years younger which normally wasn’t my type but he was very sweet, funny and was honest all the time about everything…. Except that he was seeing one of the girls from his maze!

Now before you all start judging, nothing ever happened between us while he was still seeing her. We kept our distance. I found out from someone else that he was seeing her so I backed off. That was it, until he ended things with her and we started spending time together, mainly at work to be honest. Our friendship built over the weeks at work and I started to realise that I had a soft spot for Ollie. At the end of the work season, the cast and crew all have a big party to celebrate. During my eight weeks working as an actor I had lost a lot of weight and dropped to a size 6. I know, who’d have thought it! I did tell you it’s hard work! I was feeling amazing about myself and decided to wear an outfit I never normally would have worn. I put on a high waisted, burgundy, faux leather pencil skirt and this little black lace bralet thing (because they were all oh so fashionable at the time) with some strappy heels. For anyone who doesn’t care what I was wearing, tough, because I’ve told you now anyway. Part of me also just wanted to brag about losing loads of weight.

When I walked into that party, I was overwhelmed with compliments and for the first time in, well since I could remember, I felt amazing! Ollie came straight up to me and told me how beautiful I looked. That night we shared our first kiss. That was the beginning of dating outside of work but I’ll skip quickly over this bit because the end is where it gets important. He took me to the theatre to see a show by my favourite choreographer. He took me to see the Christmas lights in Covent Garden. I went to visit him in Eastbourne where we walked along the beach in the cold and he cooked me dinner. He was the sweetest guy (probably because he was younger then me).

Then one day he calls me to tell me he’d kissed his ex girlfriend the night before. I didn’t mind and I told him that it was ok because we hadn’t really had any talk about exclusivity. I didn’t mind letting him off the hook because I liked him and I appreciated his honesty.

That’s it. That’s the end of he story with Ollie: I told you it was quick! After he’d called to tell me he’d kissed his ex, he barely spoke to me again. It was over just as it was beginning. He started seeing other people without telling me and then he met his now girlfriend. They’ve been together since and I am happy for him but, as always, can’t understand being left like that without any explanation or reasoning. My fleeting romance with Ollie was over just as quickly as it had begun only it was, like some of my other stories, over due to someone not being able to tell me the truth about how they felt.

After Ollie, I decided that focusing on me was more important than trying to date anyone. Then my next frog walked into my life and stopped me from trying not to date.