Adam* – Retail Supervisor

You know when you’re watching a TV series and they start with a “previously on” montage, that shows you clips from previous episodes and you know they’ll be important? Well if I could do that I’d take you back to the post of Brian* the Builder. A quick recap for those who may have forgotten, Brian was someone I dated for about 3 months. He called me a 4 out of 10 and told me I’d have a decent body if I went to the gym. If you remember correctly, he also used to talk about and talk to a girl called Laura*. Well Laura is the important previously on part of this story…

Adam* and I have been friends for years; good friends actually. We’ve pretty much been in the same group of friends who have ended up growing up together so we know each other well. Adam also knows the ins and outs of my history with Brian and as a result, Laura. He knows that Brian didn’t treat me very well and that he used to text Laura all the time. He also knows that Brian ended up with Laura for a while after he ended things with me. You must get where I’m going with this now? Laura decides to make a special guest appearance in another one of my dating stories.

Let me take you back to the start. Adam and I started becoming closer than our usual friendship. Over a few months, it became clear that we’d moved past the ‘just friends’ barrier but when this happened after only a few months, we panicked. We both agreed that our friendship was more important than anything else so we decided to just go back to being friends. Adam was one of my closest friends and I cared about him a lot (yes, that sentence is using past tense) so I figured he probably felt the same about me. Neither of us wanted to ruin our friendship but on one fateful night out, I discovered he didn’t feel the same way about it and obviously didn’t care very much about me.

Adam, myself and a few of our other friends all got the train into town for a much needed night out. My best friend of about 18 years jokingly bet me £10 that I would get with Adam again tonight – he still owes me that £10. We went to a few bars where drinks were flowing and we were having a good laugh. One of the boys suggested we head to a student bar because they have a dance floor so we could spend the rest of the night there and it would be easier. We never go to this particular bar but we figured we might as well give it a go. When we got there we went upstairs and started getting some more drinks. I was looking around the dance floor to see if I recognised anyone and who came into focus but Laura herself. I was once friends with Laura but after everything with Brian, I had deleted her on social media and hadn’t spoken to her. I didn’t blame her or hate her or anything petty; I just didn’t want her relationship with Brian rubbed in my face everyday so I chose to remove them from view and continue with my life. Besides she knew I was with Brian every time she decided to text him or ask to see him and flirt with him so I just didn’t need that type of person in my life. Anyway, back to the here and now in the club where I’m looking at Laura. I did as I always do, smiled politely at her before continuing to scan the place for familiar faces.

Before I know it, Laura has come over and starts hugging all my friends saying hello. I appreciate that completely because she does know them all so I take the opportunity to go to the toilet to avoid anything feeling uncomfortable. When I come back, Laura is all over Adam which is fine because he is single after all but still feels a little annoying. Laura goes to the bar and I take Adam to one side. What I asked him isn’t something I would ever ask of my friends normally because I have no right to do so but given my previous history with both Adam and Laura I felt he would be able to see why I asked him “Adam, I hate to ask this but please don’t get with Laura tonight. Get with anyone else here, anyone at all but just not her”. He agreed and we resumed the night. I know what you’re thinking and I completely agree with you, I have no right at all to ask my friend not to get with someone and under any other circumstances I would never ask but just for tonight I was being selfish and I didn’t want Laura invading my night with my friends. In hindsight I’m glad she did.

Before I know it, Laura has come over to me. Oh god what do I do. Imagine if the girl who broke up your first ever, sort of relationship walked over to you in a club and you knew you would have to talk to her. This is the girl who was considered a 9 out of 10 by the guy I trusted the most at the time while I was a 4. She’s the girl who was texting the guy lying in bed next to me and his attention was fully focused on her at the time rather than me. Imagine how you would feel. I can tell you, I was absolutely terrified! My stomach was in knots and I was doing everything I could not to vomit angry words out. I decide to climb up the high road which looks like Everest right now and politely say hi. She says it back and then asks me “Why aren’t we friends anymore?” Really?? Even though I know full well that she knows the reason I decide the truth is my best option here. I explain, again politely, that we never weren’t friends anymore really; I just needed to cut her and Brian out of my line of sight to protect myself. I told her that I knew about her messaging him all the time while we were together and that I was happy for them but it wasn’t any of my business and I had moved on. I mentally gave myself a pat on the back for taking that mountainous high road and listened to her tell me that her and Brian weren’t together – apparently it had been a short lived relationship surprise surprise. So for the next minutes, we passed pleasantries and caught up on stuff. She asked me if I seeing anyone and I looked over at Adam, “I’m not seeing anyone but Adam and I have just recently finished something”. You know what’s coming don’t you?

Laura looks me dead in the eye and says “What? Me and Adam have been seeing each other for months now. He stays at my house all the time”. Of course you’ve been seeing Adam. Of course my dating life has just exploded in my face yet again. Naturally one of my best friends couldn’t see me as being worth more than this. I’m speechless. Laura calls over Adam and asks him if it’s true. He can only muster up the strength to say “Well” and look like a rabbit in head lights. He’s been caught out. I feel absolutely humiliated. One of my closest friends has treated me like a fool. I’m not one for drama. As you can imagine, I’ve had my fair share of it throughout my time so I simply put my drink down on the table next to me and without saying a word to anyone, I turn around and leave. I don’t want to argue with anyone. I don’t want to listen to excuses. I don’t want to deal with a girl crying or any kind of drama. Right now, I just want to get in a taxi and go home to bed. I’ll sleep on this all an deal with it in the morning when my head is clear.

I walk for the taxi rank and explain that I only have £50 cash and give them my destination. He finds a driver that will take me for the reduced amount and I go. I feel my phone vibrating in my bag and see Adam’s name calling. I reject the call. I reject every attempt from him to call me the entire 20 minute taxi journey home. I don’t need the drama right now. The taxi driver stops about a 10 minute walk from my house and tells me this is as far as he’ll take me. Excellent. I get out, remove my heels and start walking barefoot down the road towards my house. My phone starts buzzing again only this time I see Brian’s name!! What the hell is he calling me for? Bearing in mind it’s about 2am, I answer the phone to see what’s happening. Brian explains to me that he’s just woken up to Laura ringing him and crying down the phone saying she’s had a big argument with me! I might not like the drama but it appears quite clear that she does. I apologise to Brian and tell him that she’s lied to him because we haven’t had an argument. I give him a quick run down of what really happened and leave him to get back to sleep. Once I’m home finally, I change, take my make up off and climb into my safe, cosy bed for the night.

The reality of the previous night hits me in the morning. So Adam was messing around with the two of us at the same time? He flat out to my face in that club agreed not to get with Laura when he knew he’d already been doing it. I can’t describe how humiliated I felt. Some of my friends knew about it and none of them told me. Not one of them felt I should know that I’d been completely played a fool. Men will always stick by each other no matter what. I’m not sure I can trust some of my closest friends again because I know they’ll always hide things from me to protect their fellow men. My female anatomy means I will always come second to them, even if I am being treated badly. I explained the story to my Mum and couldn’t help but laugh. Two guys, who don’t know each other had completely treated me like a mug for the same girl! Does she have some kind of magical vagina? Is she the fountain of youth that everyone craves? What is it about Laura that men can’t seem to resist? And why does she continue to worm her way between me and men? Unfortunately no one can give me answers for those questions. Even more unfortunately I also can’t be angry at Laura for this one because it looks like she was a fool here too.

I’ve learned a lot from this. Adam and I will never have the same friendship we had. I don’t think I’ll ever have the same friendship with the other guys out that night because they knew what was going on all along. I did make an ally that night. The only other girl in our friendship group became my only trustworthy confidante after that. She made sure I was ok and gave me a comforting ear who would listen. I also learned that I should never ever get with any guy who knows Laura!

Tinder Tidbits

Now, just like every other single person (or sometimes not but we call them cheating idiots) I tried some dating apps. One in particular that I tried got me some funny messages. Rather than trying to explain them all I’ve decided, just for a laugh, to post some pictures of a few messages I received and my replies back to them. With some of them, you’ll notice that conversations had started but I’ve only posted the funny messages that ended up having guys unmatch me – you’ll see why…..

This is possible my favourite one. You have to admit that he walked straight into my reply being this.

big dick

The next guy was actually alright up until he decided to get a little too personal. Prior to his message we’d been discussing how he’d probably be better trying to chat to girls who are only looking for a one night thing. He decided that meant I’m a challenge and he thought he could win. Unfortunately for me, this Prince Charming unmatched me after my final message here.

elasticity

Roll up, roll up contestant number three who was actually quite fun for me to mess with. He asked me how naughty I am. I replied that sometimes I check my phone at work which is really naughty but he was talking about something completely different. (Oh and he was asking me how big my boobs are in one of my profile pictures – charming).

paedophile

My next victim actually seemed ok so we swapped numbers with each other! His messages after we exchanged digits ended up proving that all he was after was a one night thing. I figured I’d have a laugh with him. (Obviously I had the tea but I couldn’t change the typo). I also get the impression his last sentence was a lie and really he wanted it to rain on me in Norwich. It didn’t.

james 3

Last but by certainly no means least, this wasn’t someone I’d met on a dating app and he also wasn’t someone I’d actually ever met but he sent me a message which I laughed so hard at, I had to share it. Just to warn you his language is awful! Oh and I pretended I was a guy so said my name is John in an attempt for him to leave me alone quicker over message. I feel sorry for poor Katie!

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So there’s a few of my funny messages I’ve received and also sent to some eligible bachelors of today.

Harry* – Salesman

This is another one of my posts which is quite short and sweet (although none of the guys I write about end up being sweet so maybe not the best use of the word). Harry* was a friend of mine who I’d met a few years previously. He had a girlfriend at this point but I got on well with him and thought he was a decent guy; and he was. We lost touch because my life had gone a different way and I’d drifted from our mutual friends. During this time, Harry became single and one day in 2015, I received a message from him.

His message started randomly with him complimenting me on how good I looked at the moment (I still got it people). I had just started my new, current, job and was posting pictures on social media of my travels for work; where my second uniform ended up being a bikini! I was flattered considering my low self esteem. Yeah yeah, so it can’t be that low if I’m publicly posting bikini pictures but, you know what they say, the truth is that people only post the best bits about their lives. The sad and sometimes painful bits get left out so you can’t blame me… You all do it too. Anyway, so he complimented me and then went on to ask me out for a drink. I accepted. Of course I accepted. Harry was a decent guy and good looking and why the hell not! Well after I accepted his offer, he never replied for a long time. Then I received a message from him which just annoyed me. See below….

holland

How annoying is that? Why message me at all if you know it’s wrong? Also, what does the “Very sorry but I do kinda fancy you a little so…..” supposed to mean? Was he hoping I’d reply saying “that’s ok, let’s go for a drink anyway”? There’s no so…. about it! We haven’t spoken since and he is now happily in his relationship. I do have to credit him for admitting the truth to me and not going through with the drink. At least his morals caught up with him at some point. It’s just irritating being messed around and I can imagine many of you have felt the same way at some point.

So that’s it. I told you it was quick.Onto the next frog I suppose.

 

Some Kid

This experience wasn’t significant because there were feelings involved; I didn’t even know the guy. This experience was, sorry is, significant because some kid (I use the term kid to describe an 18 year old here) passed judgement on me for the way I looked and he humiliated me. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Oh stop whining because a guy judged your looks”. Let me paint the picture of how he did it and see what you think then.

Myself and a close friend from work decided to have a night out in Brighton. An important thing you should know is that my friend Jess* is gorgeous! Guys fall at her feet and they all instantly love her from the moment they see her. She’s the kind of girl you want to hate because she’s so pretty and guys are obsessed with her. But then you meet her and you find it impossible to hate her because she is so incredibly lovely and caring of others. I love spending time with Jess because she is oblivious to the attention she gets from guys and just wants to have a good night with everyone included. She is amazing to go for a night out with. At first I always feel self conscious and ugly around her (she’d hate me for saying that) but with her fun attitude, I usually forget that after a while and just enjoy myself. Jess is a good remedy when you just want a girls night out.

Anyway, back to our night out in Brighton. We got the train down and met some friends before heading to a few bars. It was a weeknight so relatively quiet but still a great night. As the evening continued on we lost our friends who headed home and left us to it. Jess and I were the only ones still standing and the student haunts were going to have to entertain us now. We headed to a small club on the beach front that had young students just turned 18 spilling out of the doorway. We were the oldest people there but we just wanted somewhere to go and dance! Walking in, we were hit with the scene of heaving students all sweaty and getting up close and personal with each other. I was still pretty sober at this point but Jess was not. I had been alternating my alcoholic drinks with lemonade to make sure we both got the night bus home safely.

As standard, Jess had been hit on more times that I could count but she remained the loyal friend and never left me. Say what you’re thinking, I’m just jealous because she’s prettier than me. I’m not denying it; of course I’m jealous but that’s normal so you can’t really judge me. In this little club, guys continued to fall at Jess but she continued to knock them down so we could have a girls night of dancing. This is where the story gets interesting and my usual dating horror theme comes in. Whilst on the dance floor, a group of maybe seven guys have spotted Jess and begin closing in around her. One of the young bucks moves in for the kill and starts dancing behind Jess; her being oblivious to this because she’s just having a good time. I am now watching the mating technique of an immature boy on my friend who just wants to dance. In this picture, I am now standing as an outsider trying to work my way back into the circle and back to Jess. Also, screw you guys, we came for a girls night so you can’t just push me out. Give me my friend back!

As I nudge one of the guys and say to him politely “excuse me, I’m just trying to get back to my friend”, he turns and looks at me. For a split second he looks me up and down, looks back over his shoulder at my friend and then turns to me again. He then felt it appropriate to open his face and say to me, without hesitation, “Look, we all want to get with your mate so we’re just waiting to see which one of us she’ll get with. Then I’m sure one of the others will get with her ugly mate”. Insert my shocked face here. Well that’s embarrassing. Yes, so I believe I am the ugly mate in this scenario and I’m ok with that but you don’t say that to someone’s face! You talk about it with your mates and judge people from afar. You don’t tell a girl she’s ugly right at her. Well, chivalry is obviously not dead!

I should have punched this guy square in the nose, or at least come up with some witty line about him being the ugly mate but I was so humiliated that all I could do was turn around and walk away where I sat by myself and waited for Jess to come over. All my insecurities started coming up like vomit into the front of my mind and I couldn’t make sense of what just happened. I mean, I have to hand it to the kid for having the balls to say something like that to my face. He must have known I could have taken the scrawny little git in a fight. After Jess came over, we left. My next few weeks were spent with his voice in my head telling me I’m the ugly friend. I truly hope he finds happiness with some girl who takes pity on his mates’ ugly friend.