Right then, I have to backtrack for this tale because it did actually happen before my previous post. I just couldn’t wait to write about the disastrous date with a guy and his Mother so had to skip this story and figured I could go back to it. You don’t mind do you? Good. Also this guy actually chose his name for the blog and wanted to settle on Roger but there was no way I was going to write a story about being rogered by Roger!! I stuck with the first name he chose instead. I also want to say that although his actions at the end weren’t ideal, this frog (from what I know) isn’t actually a bad guy. He has a good heart in there somewhere and one day a girl will be good enough in his eyes to find it. His actions may have been rubbish but a part of me hoped I’d see him again.
About six weeks ago I got up and left to travel a bit around Bali and Singapore for a few weeks. I’ve always wanted to go to Bali so I decided that credit cards would be my answer to finally take the time to go (they weren’t the answer but I’m figuring that out now). I was going to be out there alone so I decided that to be on the safe side, and to make sure I was making the most of my time out there, I would book onto a tour package. My activities and accommodation for Bali would be all sorted plus I’d get to meet some new people without the hassle of sorting everything out. Yeah, yeah I know what you’re thinking; in my job I’m basically on holiday all the time! But I needed some time away from everyone and everything that is back here in the UK. Work doesn’t allow me to be away from it all but a few weeks off work in Bali with people who had never met me before gave me the perfect opportunity. I could clear my head and have some kind of escape. I’m not one of those morons who goes to a different country and then comes back insisting that I “found myself” and I’m all “enlightened”. To the people who do say that, get a grip! Getting drunk on a beach in Thailand or Indonesia for a few weeks/months (delete as appropriate) doesn’t make you some kind of enlightened, spiritual being. All I am saying is that I needed to escape for a while. Anyway, that’s not important.
My first night in Bali was to be spent getting to know everyone else who had booked onto the same tour. We all met in the hotel lobby and the introductions commenced. Some of the last to meet us were Derek* and James*. First impressions? They were both attractive, sunburnt and a really nice looking couple (Sorry guys but I did think you were a couple at first). Spoiler alert, they weren’t a couple. They were just two straight lads from England. The evening progressed with us all heading to a restaurant hidden off the main street for some dinner and drinks. I ended up sat next to Derek at both dinner and then afterwards when playing drinking games. This meant I had plenty of time to get to know him a little and also have a really good laugh (his banter was top notch I should add). I laughed more than I had in ages which is exactly what I needed. Derek was easy to talk to and had a positive energy about him that just seemed to radiate; although the radiating may have been his sunburn. Of course everyone had a lot to drink and we all gravitated from one bar to the next before ending up in a club(?) type place. The entire group were just amazing. Throughout the week, each and every person had their own incredible stories and each person interested me with their different lives and interests. One of my worst habits is that I can talk about work way too much but this group just let me, and they listened. Bless them for that! They all deserve some medals for that torture. On that first night, I knew I’d have a good week with that group of delinquents (I miss them already).
Whilst in this club I went outside to get some fresh air because apparently I thought there would be fresh air outside in Indonesia; there wasn’t! It was just as hot outside as it was inside but being the stubborn girl that I am, I still sat for a bit to try and cool down. Before long, Derek came outside and sat with me. He was talking to me for a bit and then he kissed me; no point me dragging that out. It’s important that you remember here that he kissed me. As in he initiated it. As in he was the one who leaned in and put his lips on mine. He made the choice without any hesitation and without any hint from me. Just you know, to make that clear. I liked him so I wasn’t complaining. Me not complaining was just me kissing him back. Not going to sugar coat this next bit but we ended up spending the night together. Oh shush, I can already hear your judgements through my screen! What you have to remember is that I am twenty six years old and I am in complete control of my body. I will do whatever and whoever I want with it. I have endured enough physical, emotional and sexual abuse throughout my time to know that I have the right to say yes when I want to. Women have earned that right. Yeah, alright fine, so for someone who pretends she doesn’t care what you all think I sure did jump straight on the defensive!
You don’t need details, I’m sure you all know how the whole thing works. The next morning Derek got up and left and then we all went about our day. Everybody met for breakfast before heading off to begin our week exploring together. The next few days Derek tried to talk to me as little as possible! I got the feeling he was desperate to stay as far away from me as he could and he pretty much succeeded. Luckily I was too busy taking in the beauty of all that Bali had to offer. I knew what that first night was. It was two consenting adults, drinking alcohol and then fooling around. I understood that it meant nothing and I’m a grown up. I hardly expect anything more these days given my track record and the fact I repel men. The least I expected was for Derek to act normal with me afterwards like an adult on the same level as me. He obviously did the classic thing and assume that every girl is just desperate for a relationship straight away. Apparently women aren’t allowed to just have a one night stand and enjoy it without there being a hidden agenda. Then I started to doubt myself. Maybe he didn’t want other girls to know in case it ruined his chances with them. Maybe he was embarrassed about it. I get it. I’ve grown up with two sisters and was constantly reminded that I’m “the ugly one of the three” so it isn’t exactly news to me that I’m not the most attractive girl. I do fully believe though that Derek was not out of my league (despite what he probably thinks. Sorry buddy, but you’re not better than me). The grown ass (arse), strong, independent woman in me knocked back my insecure, debilitating thoughts and just focused on enjoying my time away! If Derek wanted to be weird around me then so be it.
Further through the week I started to learn that Derek was a guy who liked getting attention from girls. He still seemed like a nice guy and I can’t knock him for anything. He genuinely was alright, when he had the balls to be near me and not scared I might try to trap him into some kind of relationship. Dude (yes, I did just use the word dude), it was a one night stand. Chill out! On our fourth night away, I decided screw it and took an opportunity when he was alone watching football to go and chat to him. He seemed less that amused at this and I could sense he was a little uncomfortable. Apparently my metaphorical balls are bigger than his real ones at times. Anyway, he was a gentleman and still humoured me with answers to my questions. He let me try my best not to talk about work too much and I was genuinely interested in hearing about his work. He seemed different while I was listening to him on his own. He obviously wasn’t interested in trying to impress me and the way he spoke was just simple and raw. It was honest. Oh bollocks. I can hear it now. My bloody brain is thinking that actually he doesn’t live that far away so maybe I could see him again. Don’t be ridiculous.
Skipping forward a bit because you don’t read this to hear about my travels do you? On the second to last night we all went out, again and again, Derek decided to kiss me; in front of the entire group! He proceeded to take my hand and walk me back to the hotel. I wasn’t exactly kicking and screaming here but I wasn’t putting any hope out either. I still knew precisely what this all was. I checked with myself and I was ok with it. The last few days Derek seemed much more comfortable around me. He sat with me on the beach while he watched the sunset; all of us did! It wasn’t some romantic thing. He made jokes about having some ridiculous, couple looking photos taken to screw with people. He went back to the Derek from the very first night. This was the much more attractive, less uptight version that I preferred. Naturally we spent the last night together too only this one was different. Derek got weird again! He made a comment about the fact he wasn’t going to ask me for my number and gave me some kind of awful excuse that he only uses his phone for work stuff.
Note to Derek – get better excuses to use on girls. Also don’t assume that you’re God’s gift to women and we just can’t resist you.
He went back to that weird Derek I didn’t really like. Now we all know I can be too honest sometimes and this night was no exception! I told him flat out I knew he was trying to pie me off (basically some awful made up slang just meaning get rid of me). I’ve heard every excuse in the book from all sorts of guys so I knew what it was. I also explained that I’m not an idiot and I understand exactly what it all was. We were two adults who had fun for a week but now it was over because we were both going our separate ways. I knew I wouldn’t see him again. This is where things got interesting. Here is where suddenly, Derek’s penis panicked. The Y chromosome in his genetic make up had a minor panic attack because all it could think was “what is happening? Why is this girl in control of this? Something doesn’t fit here. I can’t cope that the girl has taken control and ended it. Girls aren’t supposed to be cool with one night stands/flings that aren’t going anywhere. Girls are supposed to want men for long term stuff so we can break it off and hurt them. Girls aren’t meant to have the power. It must end on man’s terms”. After spending time within his own head having this slight panic and confusion Derek changed his tune and told me that actually who knows what might happen. We can’t put pressure on seeing each other again or forcing it but we might see each other again (top points for the ambiguity here). I don’t want you to think I’m a dick because I’m not (too late, I kind of already think you are one for trying to pull me back into this game). Luckily my experience has taught me to always be sceptical and not to trust too much of what men say (Oh god I really am screwed for thinking this) so I didn’t buy what he was saying and we went our separate ways to bed.
The next morning was my last day in Bali before moving on to Singapore while Derek was staying in Bali for a few more nights. I got up early and packed my stuff together before going to say goodbye to everyone. I really was going to miss everyone from my time in Bali! I had built a friendship with James (Derek’s friend/housemate) and we’d got on really well so I was gutted to be saying goodbye to some new friends so soon. I went in to say bye to Derek for the last time but he beckoned me over to climb into bed next to him. He put his arm around me, kissed me on the head and told me to take care and message him when I got to Singapore. Seriously Derek stop with the games! Why are you trying to drag this out? I know exactly what it is and I know for a fact that you have no interest in ever talking to or seeing me again. I rolled my eyes (he couldn’t see this) and decided on a non committal “take care and enjoy the rest of your travels. I’ve had such a lovely week. Thank you” before getting up and leaving. I closed the door behind me and told the others to give him a minute because he was devastated I was leaving. He just needed time to gather himself (had to get a quick laugh in obviously). Then I left the island of Gili T and headed back to Bali airport. Onwards and upwards. I felt proud of myself. Of course I’d like to see him again but I knew from the start the reality of it. I’ve been there too many times before and I’m so proud that I left it where it was.
Was it over here? Of course it bloody wasn’t! Derek just couldn’t handle that I’d been in control. That it had finished on my terms. For goodness sake you don’t want to see me again so just leave it alone! Just accept that I understood it didn’t mean anything to you. I got to Bali airport and had a Facebook message waiting for me from him telling me to message him when I got to Singapore and to have safe travels. I should have left it there! I should have completely stuck to my guns and ignored him but noooooo. Me being me thought well maybe he does want to see me again or maybe he does want to keep in touch (IDIOT). Hindsight really is a bitch because now I wish I could have screamed at myself to just stop. But I couldn’t. We messaged on and off a bit for the next few weeks until… nothing. He just stopped and I haven’t heard from him since. I knew he wasn’t interested. I knew what kind of guy he was and I knew exactly what we were doing. But I just couldn’t help myself at the end. I gave him an out. I gave him the perfect opportunity to get away with never talking to me again but that didn’t feel right to him. He wanted it to finish on his terms and with me feeling like the idiot. Bravo Derek. Bravo. You succeeded. He plays a good game. I was so close to getting out of that one alive, with my head held high and my emotions still in tact. But in true me style, of course it could never have ended like that.
Next time I’ll trust my gut instinct and I will not message back after I’ve cut things off. Haha we all know that’s not true.