Guest Blogger – Gemma from How To Make Friends

Hey guys, Georgie here just to introduce! As promised, I’ve enlisted the help of an incredible fellow blogger Gemma of How To Make Friends blog and more recently the winner of a UK Blog Award! We met a few years ago and her blog is all about positivity and self empowerment so it felt natural to have her write something for me; especially while I’m in such a negative place. Please go on and have a read of her blog. Details of how to connect with Gemma are all at the bottom of her post so sit back, relax and enjoy…

 

How to build self-esteem after a break up

The breakup itself…

Nothing can prepare you for a breakup and no two breakups are ever the same. Real-talk: no matter how a breakup is instigated (even if it’s amicable) it is always shit. It’s hard because your life gets fully flipped upside down, no one truly understands how you are feeling and you have to continue living your life as if nothing has happened. Not only are you juggling all the changes that hit you at once but the moment you realise you are back navigating the world alone is absolutely heartbreaking. There is nothing else quite like that moment you realise you no longer have a partner in crime, no longer have someone always on your team and no longer have someone to come home to at the end of every day. It’s scary and it’s lonely, which is why people will willingly stay in the wrong relationship for much longer than they know they should. As humans we prefer negative attention over no attention at all. Loosely translated we would rather be in a wrong relationship than be single – it’s human nature! So battling the elements of our natural instincts to have security at home, to have attention and to have someone to love, it’s no wonder breakups trigger the same reactions as when you are grieving the death of someone.

Finding you again…

Most people will agree the best bit about a breakup is the ‘breakup diet’. After the initial shock of it all, is usually the ‘I really must pull myself together now’ phase. The instant want to better yourself, whether it be weight, diet, money, fitness, hair; this is the time you are most likely to make changes. This is the time you will be tempted to jump in and reinvent yourself. New found freedom, friendships and things to look forward to will become a welcome distraction to the heartbreak you are living every single day. The best bit about this phase is that you start getting attention and that’s exactly what you are doing it for. It makes up for the lack of attention from a partner and instead you have other people complimenting you on your upgrades. It feels good but you inevitably still have your wobbles. You feel like you’re really finding the real you, a new you and a better you and you will be feeling the best you’ve felt in a long time.

While you’re feeling fantastic about yourself you may feel tempted to dip a toe back into the world of dating. A few swipes on Tinder and you may just have bagged yourself a date to match your new upgraded self and you convince yourself you are moving on.

Dating…

‘WARNING: Dating may cause extreme lows of self-esteem’

If I could shout this from the rooftops to all the single ladies out there I really would. Yes, dating should feed your curiosity and provide you with some fun, but please take care of yourself. Putting a brave face on to the world is absolutely different to opening up yourself to being completely vulnerable to another person. The worst bit about this first stage of dating is that you will be rejected. Just as you are feeling bloody fantastic about yourself, super confident and the best version of you; along will come a date to really bring you back to earth with a bang! Go into dating expecting to be ghosted, to be told you’re not good enough and to be rejected. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen and the sooner you accept that the better.

From experience I naively went into the world of dating thinking I had struck really lucky with the first date I went on after my breakup. After 6/7 incredible dates he panicked and fled! It felt like a breakup all over again but actually even worse. I had been very cautious to be a strong independent woman and the moment I felt my guard drop slightly, he was gone.

After more dates with different guys I fully gave up on dating. As I hit an absolute low of feeling worthless, depressed and fat I deleted all of the apps on my phone and felt the pressure I was burdening myself with every second of every day release. I had never felt so disgusting about myself in my life and I knew I needed to change.

My advice to anyone reading this fresh from a breakup into the dating world is that it is absolutely brutal and please never lose your love for yourself based on rejection from others. You need to be your own biggest cheerleader throughout this whole process. Some days will be easier than others, but if even on your worst days you can show yourself a tiny bit of love it will make a huge difference.

Whether you successfully navigate through the dating world with ease, whether you find your perfect partner in no time or whether you set out to enjoy single time, now is the perfect opportunity to invest time in building your self-worth. It really is the perfect time to really invest in finding who you are, what you want from life and what your true passions are.

5 ways to build self-esteem after a breakup

1. Be alone

Give yourself quiet and alone time to reflect over your relationship and where you are now. It will hurt like hell, you won’t want to do it but it is really important to make you mindful. You don’t have to get angry at an ex, you don’t have to resent them and you don’t have to want to get your own back. Try to think of the happy times, try to forgive the bad times and really tune in with who you are now. It is important to see things as they are and not to escalate them in your mind. There is nothing wrong with you, no you’re not going to be alone forever and more importantly yes you can absolutely be single and happy.

2. Be grateful

Gratitude is a beautiful thing in times of despair. No matter who you are or what your circumstances are, there is always something to be grateful for. Even reading this you can be grateful to be alive, to have a phone/computer, to have the internet at your fingertips and to be already trying to better yourself. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. Remember everyone we cross paths with is a lesson or a blessing. Be grateful for the lessons your ex has taught you, be grateful for the time you had together and be grateful that you are the strong independent person you are today.

3. Make some goals

Now is a great time to think about you and your life. A great way to set goals is to make a list of your top 5 priorities. Then you can delve into the what, why, how and when. Dream big. These are your goals and you can achieve whatever you put your mind to. Now is your time to fully invest all of your time and energy into yourself.. Be ambitious, believe in yourself and go set out to become the best version of yourself possible.

4. Commit to loving yourself

If during the breakup things were said that weren’t meant, now is the time to forgive and forget them. Use bitter words said about you to fuel your future passions, definitely don’t dwell on them and put yourself down with them. Yes you are alone right now and do you know what? We also enter and leave this world alone too. If you cannot enjoy your own company, rely on yourself or be independently strong, you are never going to be happy. Other people should complement our lives not make them. Never, ever look to someone else to fulfil your insecurities. This is the time to love, nourish and appreciate yourself for everything you are.

5. Surround yourself with positive family & friends

Amongst spending time alone also schedule in time with friends and family. Go places, see people and be sociable. Learn things from others, get their perspective and soak in any wonderful things they have to say about you. Even if you don’t feel like going out, being sociable will really get you feeling better. This is a fantastic opportunity in your life to make new like-minded friends.

**

I will forever be grateful for having this single time in my life. It has been a chunk of my life that has allowed me to be completely selfish with my time, money and energy. I know single life won’t be forever. I am a true believe in divine timing and I am exactly where I need to be right now. In the last 6 months I have hit lows, felt the loneliest person in the world and absolutely hated myself, but now I am confident, truly happy, extremely grateful and hustling harder than ever to chase my dreams. I still have moments where I miss having a partner, someone to love and someone to give me attention but I know the feeling is only temporary. Being single is a journey, but when you start to embrace it, it is a wonderful one too. I hope you find comfort from this post, you have so got this!!

Gemma x

http://www.howtomakefriends.co.uk
@howtomakefriends_
hello@howtomakefriends.co.uk

PO Box 86
Saxmundham
IP17 9AU

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