This week has really opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how nice a guy seems for however many years, he can still revert to ‘Fuck Boy’ tendencies. For anyone reading this who isn’t familiar with the term ‘Fuck Boy’, I have taken the liberty of researching it and the most accurate one comes from Urban Dictionary and reads as follows
Asshole boy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologise only to ask for “pics” once the girl has welcomed him back into her trust. Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl… he has to hangout on his terms which could be whimsical… and if the girl rejects those plans… he will get pissed… If a girl tries to stand up to this asshole he will most likely deny everything and turn it all around on the girl making it seem as though… he has done nothing wrong.
I’d say that pretty much nails it! I feel I need a disclaimer here, so… For the purpose of this post it’s important for me to mention the fact that I am a heterosexual female and can only talk about my experiences with heterosexual men. I can only give an account that unfortunately isn’t inclusive of all sexual preferences and partners. Of course I have no doubt that there are plenty of women who also act the same way. I know plenty of people in same sex relationships who have told me their accounts of previous partners who acted like fuck boys. I am only able to tell of my experiences.
I’ll be clear from the start and say I have no criticism of someone who wants a strictly sexual relationship, as long as the other person in it agrees and is aware that it’s strictly sexual. The main trait of a fuck boy is the fact they are not open about it being purely physical and they lead a girl on until it is, then get rid of her or keep her at arms length. He’ll see her on his terms and commonly will engage in on/off relationships with her so it works when he wants it but doesn’t when it no longer suits him. He’ll make her feel special to keep her around but will be very vague about future planning and will often be flakey with plans. If she calls him out on his behaviour he’ll call her paranoid or psycho and make it seem like the problems are all her fault. He’ll treat her like his girlfriend but will never make her his. He’s all about a special bond but never a relationship. He’ll be pissed off if she dates anyone else but he’ll have a plethora of girls on the go. Sound familiar? You my friend, have fallen victim to a fuck boy. Don’t worry, most of us have. It’s hard to spot them and we don’t want to believe we’re naive enough to fall for one.
The reason for this particular post is because recently I was hurt. I wasn’t screwed over by a fuck boy (I like to think I’ve had my fair share and have learnt to avoid them) but I was hurt because I watched someone very close to me act like a fuck boy. I’ve known this man since I was 7 years old and we have a close friendship. I love him the way a sister loves a brother. He’s always been a very kind, caring, considerate and respectful man but I had to stand by and watch him behave in a way that I hate. It was really hard. He was leading a girl on; taking her on dates, inviting her to his to cook a romantic dinner and having nights away with her. I assumed he was moving into a relationship with her based on these behaviours but when I asked him about it he replied “nah I’m not looking for a relationship but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do for a shag”. I asked him if she knew it was just for a few rolls in the hay and he said yes. I knew he was lying. I was gutted. This man I thought treated girls so well. This man who had watched so many men screw me over by leading me on with zero intention of caring for me, was doing exactly what they did. All the times he had hugged me and told me I’d find someone amazing and that not all men acted so badly felt completely empty now. My heart suddenly cried out for the girl, a complete stranger to me. She had no idea she was being used.
Many men will read this and think this man did nothing wrong. That’s the problem. It may come as a shock to you but not all women are desperate for relationships. If you were completely honest about your intentions from the start, she might surprise you. You don’t have to trick a woman into thinking you want a relationship with her just for sex. I’ve used this quote before but it seems apt for this now
The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her
Bob Marley said that. If you’re not sure how you feel about someone then fair enough, sometimes you have to go on a few dates to see how you feel but don’t intentionally lead a girl on just to make yourself feel better. Don’t pretend to be interested only to turn it all around and make it seem like she’s crazy. Some people are a little intense when it comes to relationships but every so often it’s been caused by a fuck boy trying to tell her she’s a psycho. Even more often she’s acting like one because this fuck boy has suddenly stopped being the loving, caring ‘boyfriend’ he pretended to be in the beginning. She’s so unsure of what’s going on because he won’t be honest with her.
I was dealing with a fuck boy earlier this year. I kind of knew he was one before he asked me on a date but we get on so well as friends, I figured I’d give it a chance. He seemed keen and was trying really hard to fit in some time to meet up. I wasn’t too fussed but my lack of interest seemed to fuel his even more. We met for a coffee one afternoon and had such a good time. We laughed like we always do as friends, we caught up on our lives and flirted a little. As we said goodbye he told me he’d had a really good time and we should do it again. With my experience, I figured it was another empty promise from another empty potential suitor. I heard nothing for a week so I wrote it off. Then out of the blue, I receive a text asking to meet up again. Ball was in my court because I was going away on a work trip so was too busy to see him. If he tried to rearrange then I know he’s genuinely keen (sort of). Surprise, surprise, he did not try. Two weeks of absolutely nothing from him went by and then suddenly…. another text message asking if I wanted to catch up. My guess is it didn’t work out with his Plan A girl that I was running parallel to but slightly behind. I’m his Plan B. In all honesty I’m probably more like his Plan F but the others before didn’t pan out and he’s feeling lonely. He’s a good looking guy; he could get a lot of girls. Looks wise he’s out of my league. Personality wise, I’m out of his. I am allowed to say this despite how big headed it might make me sound. I’ve worked a lot on my personality and how I treat people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware I might have made this up in my head and maybe he is interested but given my background in dating, I think I’m probably not far off on this one. We’ll see how it all pans out but chances are, if he keeps waiting weeks but tries to keep me loosely on hand, I’m done.
So, fuck boys of the world. I see you. We are starting to see you even more than we used to. We recognise your behaviours that manipulate us. We recognise the red flags and warning signs. We are becoming strong enough to walk away because we know that we deserve better.