6 Texters That Are Just Not That Into You

As you know, I’m back into the realm of dating. In all honesty, I’ve not pushed it and I’m not very good at actively planning any dates. My life is busy at the moment and I’ve been working a lot. I’ve also been enjoying my free time so I’m happy. For the first time in a long time, I’m only thinking about what I want to do. My free time isn’t being dictated by someone else and I’m enjoying it. I’m digressing though so back to where we should be. Although I haven’t been on many dates, I have been casually messaging guys here and there. Just dipping a toe back into the cold, icy waters of dating before jumping in head first. I’ve noticed a few little things that guys do while texting which prove to me that they’re just not interested. It’s forced me to look back at other past frogs and scrutinise their old texting habits. I’ve managed to narrow down the ones that prove a guy (or girl) is just not that into you. If you’re messaging someone and they do any of these things, I would walk away if I were you… Or just maybe keep your options open!

 

1. The Ghoster
This one is obvious! If a guy ghosts you, walk away. Don’t make excuses for him. I don’t care if he was making loads of effort messaging you before and you think you two can really hit it off and be something great. As soon as he’s stopped messaging you, that’s it. Don’t send him another message just in case he hasn’t read your last one or needs reminding you’re there. If he needs reminding, then he was never that interested in you. If somebody likes you, they’ll make the effort to message you. If they are actually interested in you, they’ll reply. They shouldn’t need any reminders. If you find he’s lacking in a reply then forget about him and move on. In the words of the wise Ariana Grande,

Thank you, Next!

2. The “I’m Bad At Texting” Texter
This is the kind of guy who wants to ghost you but doesn’t want to be a complete arsehole out in the open. This guy will start messaging you and seem keen but at some point in the beginning he’ll make a point of saying something like “sorry, I’m really bad at messaging”. RED FLAG this shit right now! As I said above, if a guy likes you, he’ll message you. If he’s not interested, then he won’t.

A guy who tells you he’s bad at messaging is a guy who isn’t keen on you but wants to keep you on the hook just in case he wants some attention from you when it suits him. When I say keep you on the hook; it’s more like a really long arm’s length where he can hold you when something better comes along, then pull you back in when that better option has gone. Sometimes you can recognise this type of person because they’ll read your messages, not reply but then be active elsewhere liking your photos. Or they’re online but just blatantly ignoring your message. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, they’re ignoring you on purpose. I’m sorry for the reality but, they don’t like you. This is why I keep my settings private on messaging apps; so people can’t see when I’ve ignored their messages (I’m kidding… sort of). So, if a guy tells you at the start he’s terrible at messaging, he’s not keen I’m afraid so walk away. You’re worth more than that. It takes 60 seconds or less to just send a quick message to someone. Don’t get me wrong, he genuinely could be busy so don’t apply this rule every time! I’m talking about the guy who takes 3 days to reply to your messages and uses the excuse that he’s really bad at texting. If a guy can’t give you 60 seconds to reply to a message and leaves it for 3 days, it means he hasn’t thought about you once in those 3 days and just isn’t interested in you.

 

3. The Out Of The Blue Texter
This guy is the one who doesn’t speak to you for ages but then suddenly drops you a “Hey, how are you?” message randomly. This could be a previous love interest, fling or some guy you flirted with once but then he disappeared for a while. You’ll think to yourself how sweet it is that he’s messaged you and must be thinking about you. I’m afraid that’s not the truth! In reality, he wants something from you; probably some attention. It might be that he’s recently become single and feeling lonely so wants some attention. If he’s in a relationship then he’s the worst kind of guy! He’s messaging you out of the blue because he’s unhappy and thinks attention from you will make him feel better. He’s fucking about in his relationship. Do you really think he’s boyfriend potential? As I said before though, the out of the blue texter might not necessarily be taken. He might be single but just wanting attention from you. You’re not a first option in this situation; you’re just a girl he thinks will give him what he wants until he finds someone else. Trust me, once he’s had some attention from you to boost his ego, he’ll disappear again. As I always say, you’re worth more than that so back away. Thank you but no thank you Mr Out Of The Blue!

 

4. The Late Night Texter
This one states the obvious and ties into texter number 3. The late night texter just wants attention from you. He’s the guy who messages you late at night only. He’ll never say anything during the day. Any time after 10pm covers this guy! He’ll message you asking if you want to come over (notice he won’t suggest making the effort to come and see you) for a drink. He might message pretending he cares what you’re up to. What he’s really hoping for is a reply along the lines of “just lying in bed alone, bored”. That opens him up to try and get flirting, sexting or anything else from you. This guy really is just messaging you late at night to either get off or just boost his ego. If you’re up for that then be my guest and give him what he wants. Just make sure you get what you want from the exchange. If you’re hoping he’s Prince Charming then you my friend, are deluded!

 

5. The Man Of Few Words
This is the guy who just messages back one word messages. He doesn’t keep conversation flowing. He’s showing that he’s actually not bothered about talking with you. If you look at your texting conversations on your phone and you notice that your putting in all the effort with your words, put your phone down and walk away from it. You’re making all the effort and he’s just not that into you. This one’s easy so if you’re even wasting your time trying to squeeze blood from the stone then you’re an idiot. For those who didn’t get it, he’s the stone and the conversation is the blood. Just run away from this guy and find someone who wants to have conversations with you. Find a guy who wants to tell you about his day and ask you about yours. Find a guy who doesn’t just write one word messages back to you.

 

6. The “You’re Wife Material” Texter
I nearly wrote an entire post dedicated to this kind of guy but figured it wasn’t worth it and it could easily be condensed into this one. This guy will message you every now and then very complimentary of you. He’ll talk in text about how you’d make the perfect girlfriend and he can’t understand why you’re still single. Does he make you his girlfriend? No! Does he show any interest in wanting to take you on a date? He might but it never happens does it? He’s not interested in you I’m afraid! He probably really does think you’re awesome but he still doesn’t want to date you. The one I’ve had a few times is “you’re wife material”. You’re right, it is a compliment and I do appreciate it very much. However, every guy that’s ever said it to me has never had any interest in going on a date with me. I finally found out why recently. The guy that texts you calling you wife material sees you as the end game. You’re the kind of girl he wants to marry eventually. But he’s not ready for that commitment just yet. He doesn’t see you as someone to date because you’re the kind of girl who’s the end game. Why would a guy want to date a girl who’s already a ready made wife? He wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to fall into a relationship that he feels is a box bought marriage potential. That’s far too scary! For some weird reason, he’s ignored your flaws and decided you’re too ‘good’ for him to date. He wants to go out with a girl where there’s potential it might end. It’s less scary for him if there’s a chance he doesn’t have to commit fully for the long run.

Some complimentary guys are genuine! Some fall into this category. They don’t want to date you. They’re not interested because you’re ready made wife material and that scares the shit out of them!

 

So that’s the 6 main texter types to avoid if you’re after Mr Right. Obviously I’m not an expert in this; I just have a hell of a lot of experience with it all! These aren’t rules that apply to every single guy. There will be exceptions to these so don’t take them as gospel. To the girls shouting that the guy they’ve been texting is different even though he does all of these things… There there, I’m sure he is different and does really love you. Maybe just have a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself whether you really believe that as much as you think you do.

Enjoy ladies and gents. I’m just off to wait for a reply to a message I sent 4 days ago from a guy who’s “really bad at texting” but tells me I’m wife material when he messages me at 11pm asking me to come over for a glass of wine (and breathe). Really, he’s different from all the others.

 

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Lewis* – Software Developer

Delving back into dating was not something I have been looking forward to but, onwards and upwards. Or so they say. The first date I went on after the break up was way too soon but I figured it would be a good distraction and I wasn’t exactly going to lose anything by going on it. I ended up going on three dates with Lewis* (back to the changed names). We met whilst I was working my second job in a pub and he drunkenly came in. He’d chatted to me a little when I served him and then asked if I had a boyfriend. Part of me wanted to lie and say yes; mostly because I don’t think I was quite ready to admit that I was now single. Instead, I confessed the truth and told him I was single. He smiled and asked for my number. Meh, why not? What did I have to lose?

 

After a week or so of texting each other, Lewis suggested going for a drink. We arranged the date, time and place. As I parked nearby to the pub we were meeting in, Lewis messaged me to say he was already inside and asked what I wanted to drink so he could get the first round in. I had a 3am alarm set for a flight the next morning so couldn’t have any alcohol so opted for a soda and lime and sent a reply. Walking into the pub, there he was holding his beer and my cheap date drink. We did the polite hello (he was slightly less confident this time without his dutch courage) and he gave me my drink. The two of us found a seat and got to the small talk. Lewis was nice. He seemed slightly shy but he was a nice guy. He enjoyed his job developing software for a small company and showed interest when asking about my work. Once he’d finished his drink, I offered to get the next round in; it’s only fair and I’m all about splitting the bill on dates. He asked me for another beer. I hadn’t finished my soda and lime yet so got up to go and get his beer. As I stood he said “oh can I have a coffee as well?” Ok, I guess that’s fair, it’s my round. I bought his drinks and went back to sit down. I finished my soda and lime and sat for a while before deciding to buy myself another drink. Out of politeness, I asked if he wanted another to which he replied “yeah sure. Another beer for me”. Nothing about it being his round so he’d get them. Just flat out asked me for another beer. After this round, he didn’t buy another and neither did I. I had an early start so we called it a night and said our goodbyes.

 

The next day Lewis text me to arrange another date. Ok, he was a nice guy and I’d enjoyed the welcome distraction from the recent heartbreak, so I agreed and we set another date. This time we arranged a walk and then a pub for a drink. The weather was amazing so the walk was a perfect activity. The walk isn’t what’s important here. When we walked into the pub, I was first at the bar so ordered my drink. I looked at Lewis and asked what he was having. Just a polite question anyone would ask of the person they’re stood with. He ordered a beer and then told me he’d find somewhere to sit outside while he walked off.

Right, I guess I’ll pay for these then shall I?

We sat and talked more over our drinks. He asked me about the pay being cabin crew. I gave a rough idea that it’s poorly paid but it’s the price we pay to travel the world. He had the nerve to then make a comment that he earns more than double what I do!! Why am I constantly paying for the drinks then?? Luckily I had to work that evening in the pub so made a swift exit after the drinks.

 

I know what you’re all thinking. This was two dates with this guy and yet I said I had three. Yes, I did go on another date with him. This time we went for dinner. I bet you all know where this is going… The food was amazing so I enjoyed this date the most. I drove, again, because he’d, again, chosen somewhere within walking distance of his house. Another soft drink for me while he had a few beers. When it came to the bill I suggested we pay for our own drinks and split the cost of the food. Call me crazy but that seems fair right? Well that’s not how things went when the waitress brought the bill over. Instead, Lewis quickly chimed in and told the waitress we’d split things 50/50. So I had one lemonade while he chugged back 4 beers but I was still paying for half of them? Even though on our previous date, he’d made it clear he earns more than double what I do.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for splitting the bill on dates which is why I always suggest it but this was beyond ridiculous. Between the first two dates we had, he’d only spent £1 on a measly soda and lime for me whereas I’d spent well over £20. Then on the third date he’d sunk 4 beers compared to my one half pint of lemonade and I was expected to pay half? Why am I footing the bill for all of our dates? I’m not expecting him to pay for everything but at least make it fair!

 

You all know what I did though don’t you? I paid half the bloody bill, beers and all, and gave him a lift home when he asked for one (I’m laughing at myself as I write this so I’m with you all on that). Needless to say, I ghosted him after that! I’ve never ghosted anyone in my life but at 28 years old and recently heartbroken there was no way I could be arsed to waste more time with a guy that clearly wasn’t for me.

 

And so dating begins again…

 

 

 

Recovery – How to get over a break up

After Gemma from How To Make Friends wrote her guide on getting over a break up in the last post, I decided to write my own guide based on how I’ve done it and how I’ve managed to move on from having my heart well and truly shattered to pieces. With a little glue and the steps below, I’ve pieced my old ticker back together and I’m looking forward to meeting someone better.

This is just the way I’ve got over the break up. It’s not necessarily the right way. It’s definitely not the only way, but I’ve decided to share the steps I took to get over my heart break and hopefully get me ready for the next one (fingers crossed it’s not another heart ache). I’ll break it down into easy steps. You might decide to try them in the order I did them. You might switch them up a bit and customise the list to suit you! No dramas. You do you.

 

1) Cry!
Cry as much as you want, for as long as you want and whenever you want. Get it all out of your system; God knows I did. Cry on your own or to someone else. I mean, I cried to a complete stranger on a plane so nothing is off limits here. After a while, you’ll cry less and less. Then eventually you won’t need to cry at all but get it out of your system while it’s there. You’re grieving. Not only are you grieving your little heart break but you’re grieving the loss of a relationship you thought would be forever. You’re grieving the loss of the future he or she promised you would have together. You’re grieving the house visits you did and the talk from them of the kids you’d have (Yep, we looked at houses together). You’re grieving the family you’ve lost and all the annual leave you booked for holidays away with him and his family. You’re mourning the broken promises and the lies. You’re 100% allowed to cry, no matter who you are! So please, do it.

 

2) Go to the Gym
I never thought this would be something I would do but after being dumped, I got a gym membership. A few weeks after the break up, I joined the gym and started going a lot. I was in the gym at least 5 times a week. If I was abroad on work trips I was in the hotel gym, sometimes twice a day. I signed up for some personal training sessions with a PT at the gym called Naomi. She was an angel. I told her about my recent heart break and my need for the focus. She was warm, open and honest with me. She trained me and gave me workout routines I could do in the gym and also ones to do in my hotel rooms away. Naomi didn’t just give me fitness advice. She gave me life advice on getting over the break up. She promised me things would get better. She really was just an angel for me then, and she was badass! She might not even know just how much she helped. I had a focus, a distraction; fitness. I can’t recommend getting yourself to the gym enough to help start to get over a break up. It really does give you something else to keep you busy, distracted and focussed. Also, people will tell you how amazing you look and your confidence will start climbing again. If going to the gym isn’t your thing, join classes and try something new. Alongside the gym, my friend Emily encouraged me to go to kick boxing classes with her which I did. I love it! The two trainers Scott and Josh kicked my arse into gear and got me punching out my frustration and anger. Between them, Emily, Scott and Josh pushed me to work harder even when I was tired. They got me going further even when I was hurting. The three of them joined the angel hall of fame alongside Naomi and I started to get myself back again. I was smiling constantly during classes because I was enjoying myself so much.

So, get yourself to the gym. If you don’t like gyms, join a class. Even if kick boxing isn’t your thing, go to yoga classes or pilates or even pole dancing! If you’re not sure then do all of them like I did until I settled on just a few to keep me fit. You’ll meet new people, you’ll start smiling again and you’ll start boosting that confidence you lost. If you don’t like working out with people then go for a run. Start small. I started getting up at 6am and just going for a 10 minute run every morning. Each time, you’ll get further. Each time, you’ll feel less out of breath. Each time you run, you’ll feel your feet hit the pavement, music in your ear (just one headphone in for safety please) and you’ll start to get yourself back again.

 

3) You do You
I said this already in the intro for this post. A few months into recovery one of my closest friends said to me “you do you” and it kind of stuck with me since then. She was right! Being on your own again means you get to just do you for a bit. My free time is just mine again to use as I want to. In my relationship, we barely ever saw my friends. We always spent more time with his friends and his family. I like walking outdoors but he doesn’t so we wouldn’t. We’d spend our days doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. I was now allowed to go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted without answering to anyone. I started seeing my friends more and doing things I wanted to do. I was rekindling old friendships with people I hadn’t seen in years and starting new friendships with girls from work I got on with. Spending this time doing what I wanted made me feel happy again. I signed up for a Tough Mudder Full which I’d always wanted to do. I went with my friends I work in the pub with and loved every minute of it. We smashed it round that 10 mile course and it felt like such an achievement for me. We laughed, helped each other, got wet, muddy and then had a cider at the end. The whole day was so amazing that I want to sign up again for another one! In September 2018 I completed the 24 hour three peak challenge. I went up alone and trekked Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon with people who started as complete strangers. It was amazing! It was hard, really hard but it felt amazing to complete. I raised over £1,000 for Mind mental health charity while doing it. Finally taking some time over the summer to do me was amazing.

You do you! Spend your time doing things you want to do. Do the things that your ex would never do with you but you always wanted to do. Go out with your friends. Spend time with new friends. Take back your life and your free time. It’s totally ok to share your time with someone. But rather than wallowing in being alone, enjoy your free time and do the things you want to do.

 

4) Look at all the People who Love you 
This is one you might not even realise straight away, but so many people love you! At 28 years old it does break my heart every time I think about the fact that not one single person has ever been in love with me. Even my ex who promised me a life together didn’t love me. After the break up I felt worthless and unloveable, until I started receiving messages. I was sent messages from so many people. People from my past and my present telling me how sorry they were, how amazing I am as a person, how thankful they were for my honest heartbreak blog posts and so many telling me how much they loved me. Girls at work were taking me out for girls’ night and doing my make up for me to make me feel good. Girls I went to college with but hadn’t spoken to in years were hugging me when I saw them randomly and telling me how lovely I am. Guys I had previously worked flights with saw me at work and told me they couldn’t believe someone was stupid enough to let me go. It all suddenly started to dawn on me that maybe I was focusing on the wrong kind of love all these years. Does it really matter that no man has ever loved me? Probably not when it turns out I have so many friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances who love me more than I ever believed possible. How can I be as worthless as I think because of what a few men have told me when the reality is, I’m more loved than any of them? Trust me, you’re the same (not you my ex. More people love me than they love you so in your face). To those reading this feeling how I felt… You’re loved by so many more people than you ever thought, so give yourself a break.

 

5) Do NOT, I repeat, do not go on Tinder too quickly!!
Trust me, your ex is already back on it a lot quicker than you thought he would be (I know mine was) and seeing his profile pop up will feel like a knife twisting deeper into your gut. Go on dating apps when you feel 100% ready with knowing he’s looking for someone else. You need to feel completely ok with knowing he lied about his reasons for breaking up with you. He doesn’t want to be on his own to sort his stuff out. He’s just too much of a coward to do it with you (As you can see, I’ve entered the stage where I’m angry at the ex but equally I know I’m better off without him for these reasons). Wow, apologies, I digressed. But there is truth in that for everyone! I know it’s tempting to log in quite soon after the break up, but take your time. If you really are ready to see what you feared at the beginning; that he is actively looking for someone new, then you get on and get swiping!

 

6) The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else
Don’t be such a prude! You all know this has some truth to it. Only do this step when you’re ready for it. Don’t rush it. It doesn’t have to be for a relationship or something. I’m talking about good old sex for the sake of sex! Shock, I’m 28 years old and in control of my own body. So are you. This is just something to help build your confidence and remind you what a god damn, sexy human being you are. No feelings or emotions involved. It’s purely for selfish reasons. Mine was a much younger (22!!! I know) guy I’d met a few times in a local pub. I had two nights with him about six weeks apart from each other. The first time, I was drunk and didn’t care. I was interested and it would seem so was he. I took him back to my friend’s sofa bed I had waiting and it was incredible! I had some alcohol dutch courage so just enjoyed the night for what it was. The next day, the owner of the sofa bed, one of my closest friends said that while I was chatting up Charles* (not his real name) she saw a level of confidence she had never seen in me. This girl has seen me through some dark times. She is one of a few people who know me better than anyone else in the world and she was so happy with my confidence the night before. She said it was amazing to see how confident I was chatting him up and then going in for the kiss before taking him back. The second night with Charlie boy was a night out where I’d bumped into him. He was drunker this time. I wasn’t bothered about spending another night with him. Some other girl was all over him and trying it on so I was completely unassuming when he left her side and came to me and gave me kiss in front of everybody. Hands on my back hugging me towards him he placed two, delicate kisses on my lips. He looked at me, smiled and just said straight outright “Shall we go?” I had to pause for a second. He could have taken any other girl back. He could have easily taken the blonde clingy girl back but he made the executive decision to come to me and ask me. I am hot. I am sexy. I am wanted. Damn, I’ve still got it! He must have enjoyed the first time as much as I did. Within minutes he had an Uber coming and we said goodbye to our friends. That second night was even better than the first! This temporary toy boy absolutely blew my mind (and body for that matter). I don’t know what they’re teaching the kids in University these days but HOLY CRAP!! You need it in your life. I am definitely not qualified to give someone the title of Sex God but… just saying. Not only was his penis wonderful and the sex amazing, he was also so relaxed and so fun that I didn’t feel any need to keep any of my body hang ups for the night. All those feelings of being worthless, ugly and not good enough that my ex made me feel about myself melted away into the mattress of this 22 year old guy. I don’t think Charlie will ever really know just what those two nights were for me. He’ll never fully understand how much it meant to me in moving me even further forward after the break up.

Get under someone else! Or on top. Either way, just get that first one out of the way after the break up. Do it for the fun. Do it with someone who you know you’d never have a relationship with (the age in this case. Plus he moved away for good). Do it just because you want it again.

 

7) Big Breath in… Date Again.
This shit will be hard. But it’ll also lead you to meet men (or women) who will actually show you how you should be treated. In return, it’ll also show you just how much better you can do and how much better you deserve than your ex. My ex always thought, and still does think, that he can do better than me. Now I realise it’s actually the reverse. I can do better. You can do better and one day, we will.

I had a few offers from guys for dates. At first I took a step back because I wasn’t ready. Now, I am. Watch this space for the dating start again.

Lee* – Customer Service Advisor

This story isn’t so much about a romantic interest; well not on my part anyway. I went out for dinner with a friend of mine. I’ve known him for about 7 years and we’ve been those kinds of friends who don’t see each other very often but when we do, it’s like no time has passed. We have a good laugh together and just generally get on like the proverbial house on fire. On this fateful night at dinner our friendship would change however.

Dinner was as normal, we laughed and caught up on whatever we’d both been up to since our last encounter. Everything was as it always was. Just as desserts had been ordered, Lee* asks me about my blog (this one obviously) and jokes about whether he’ll make it on as a new story.  At this I laughed and said honestly “Well I only write about dates. I don’t write about my friends” (although here we are). Lee looked like his mood dampened at this. His reply was “Oh. So is this not a date then?” Well this is awkward. The silence between us both makes it feel even more awkward. I’m pretty sure the couple on the table next to us have heard the conversation and are now trying to cut the awkward tension with their bloody knives it’s that bad. We’ve been friends for 7 years! 7 years and Lee has never ever once mentioned about us being more than friends or going on a date. There’s never been so much as a hint of romance between us but suddenly on this night, he reckons a spark might just summon itself up. I feel so embarrassed for both of us.

“Umm, Lee I’m really sorry but I just thought we were friends. It’s been 7 years so I think we’re past the point of it being romantic.” At least I’m being honest about it. Lee’s next rhetorical question really wound me up though! You all know me well enough to know that I’ll explain why. “Oh, so you’ve friend zoned me?” God I hate that! He spat the words out like they tasted of sour milk. Why has the term ‘friend zone’ been coined as an insult? It also seems to mainly apply to women friend zoning men. You don’t hear so much of men friend zoning women. The amount of times over the years I’ve told a guy I like them and he’s said he just wants to be friends is ridiculously high. Did I get all insulted and sulky and accuse him of friend zoning me? No; not once. Instead I carried on being friends with them because that was better than nothing in my eyes. I enjoyed maintaining the friendships I had with the guys and still do with some of them.

I explained to Lee that I couldn’t understand why he was so insulted but I did want to carry on being friends with him. He, not so politely, declined the offer with the reasoning that he “has been nothing but nice” to me for all that time and yet he gets nothing. 7 years of friendship down the drain just because I had apparently done the unthinkable for a man and dun dun dun….. friend zoned him!! Apparently a punishment worse than death for the male species. I can only apologise. It also frustrates me that Lee had it in his head somewhere that him being nice to me and treating me with respect should be rewarded with sex or a relationship!! Where is this rule written somewhere? I really must have missed something growing up. What right does a man have to tell me that just because he was a decent human being to me and gave me friendship, he deserves to be rewarded with sex or something romantic. Again, I will happily exercise my right to say no on this account. Any man that believes this, deserves to be worse than friend zoned. I’m pretty sure that way of thinking is how men end up forcing themselves upon a woman (I’m not accusing or suggesting anything of Lee, but it is slightly worrying).

So, my friendship with Lee is no more. Ladies, be careful not to punish a man with the friend zone because apparently some just can’t accept it. Others, I can account for and say they are wonderful friends: some of the best friends I will ever have! Men, the friend zone isn’t the worse place in the world. Embrace it gents.