So obviously the David Experiment didn’t have a lasting, positive outcome. Instead it proved that a particular name has absolutely no effect on the type of man christened with said name. The clearly very scientific research conducted into the name David has no scientific standing whatsoever! Academics will be so upset everywhere. In light of my failed attempts to find the perfect (for me) David, I got myself back on the dating apps and started swiping people with other names too. Whilst swiping away, I matched with a guy called Ben* and after the standard small talk that happens every time, we arranged to meet up for a drink…
Note: before I matched and started chatting with Ben, I actually have another story before him. I went traveling for a few weeks around Bali and Singapore and met a guy there. Unfortunately this story about Ben was way to good to keep everyone waiting!! My next blog post about the guy from Bali will have to back track. Trust me! I couldn’t wait to write this one.
Back to Ben. In his messages he seemed alright. He was a property developer who lived fairly close by and worked around London. He was easy to talk to and I didn’t feel like I had to drag conversation out of him (which I hate). I have a tendency to talk about work too much, mainly because it interests me. Sometimes I worry and have to stop myself before my date hands me an anorak and binoculars and tells me to stand at the end of a runway (a common joke about plane spotters). The fact that Ben was good at keeping it all moving forward was a great sign to me. Anyway, we agreed on when and where to meet up and I seemed hopeful for a good date (HAHA! I can’t believe I was so naive).
I arrived after Ben and he was already sat at a little table near the bar with a drink. I smiled and made a beeline for the bar to get myself something. He stood and said hello with a polite kiss on the cheek and we sat and began chatting. It started with the bog standard “hey, how was work?” etc which moved onto how long we’ve done our jobs for and so on and so forth. About twenty minutes in Ben’s phone, which was on the table, started buzzing. He picked it up, looked at the screen, sighed a little and then returned the phone to the table. Stuff like that doesn’t bother me so I asked “Did you want to take that? I really don’t mind at all”. He thanked me but declined and carried on explaining his work to me. The phone started buzzing again to which he, again, looked at the screen and sighed. “Seriously, it must be important. I really don’t mind if you need to just take the call”. I really didn’t mind! If it’s important then I would hate to think he missed it just to be polite. I didn’t hear the whole conversation but just heard bits of his end that concerned me slightly “Mum…… yeah we’re here still…… oh really? Ok well sure come and meet us……” Excuse me? What? Come and meet us? Mum? How many more question marks can I fit in just a few lines? Bearing in mind I’ve just met this guy, he’s told his Mum she can come and sit with us on our first date.
Ben returns to the table and sits back down. “Is everything OK?” I ask and he replies with “Yeah it was just Mum but everything is fine.” No mention of her coming here. Maybe I heard it wrong then or just missed a bit of the conversation. We go back to our conversation for another ten minutes or so when it happened. “Ben, darling”. I absolutely did not hear that phone conversation wrong because there she was, clear as the look of horror on my face at that exact moment, a woman who must have been in her mid fifties wearing an outfit that could have been from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, arms outstretched and smiling our way. What. The. Actual. Holy. Mother. Of. All. Things. Kill me now. Kill me now. I can’t even run away. Ben stands up and greets his Mother like what is happening is the most normal thing in the world right now! I look around for my nearest emergency exit and seriously consider just running through it. My bag and coat will have to be left behind now; collateral damage. Instead, I remain a vision of calm and poise and stand up to introduce myself and say hello to this woman. Just to remind you all. I’ve been in the physical presence of this guy for a total of around thirty minutes at this point. Half an hour! I’m now meeting his Mother!
The Mother asks me what I do for a living so I tell her I’m cabin crew. From the look on her face anyone would think I’ve just told this woman I skin dolphins for a living. I thought maybe she hadn’t heard me correctly so I carried on saying which company I work for and that I really enjoy the travel aspect of the job. Rather than feigning the same politeness that I was doing so expertly, she asked me something that made me want to pick up my lime and soda and throw it over her, “Have you ever thought about doing something more with your life? I mean it’s not a very respectable job is it. Are your parents proud of you for that?” *Silence*
Ben never said a word through this. I couldn’t say anything either. I ignored the questions but she just couldn’t let it go! She was rude, arrogant and completely oblivious to what she was doing. “You know my sweetie Ben has had some lovely girlfriends in the past. They’ve had some very top jobs up in London…” on and on and on it goes. I DON’T CARE is screaming inside of my head. I need to get out. Where is my escape? She just can’t stop talking. It feels like somebody is scratching their nails down a chalkboard while playing the bagpipes really badly and swinging a cat around in a pillowcase (No animals were actually harmed in the making of this imaginary scenario). I’m starting to feel myself coming to the end of my tether. I’m standing on the edge at breaking point! While they were both just at the bar I’ve already sent messages to my friend telling her the horror of what is going on! Once back, Ben’s Monster (sorry, I spelled Mother wrong) suddenly seemed rather intrigued about my employment. She wanted to know more information about what us mere cabin crew servants get up to on our trips away. She asked me if it’s true that we all sleep around. This was too perfect an opportunity to miss! If I didn’t grab this bull by the absolute balls right now I would regret it. I knew I’d never see this guy again and I knew I never wanted to see his Mother again so I just couldn’t resist in letting my answer slip, “Yeah we do. We all get together on trips and have massive orgies in each others’ rooms” Obviously I let out a little laugh to make it sound like maybe I was joking. She wasn’t amused. I looked around waiting for my round of applause but no one else was listening.
Finally this was where Ben decided to speak up, “Mum, do you think maybe you could leave now so that we can talk? I’ll see you at home later.” With that, he kissed her on the cheek and walked her outside, hopefully into the lake across the road. He came back and we spent the next thirty minutes awkwardly trying to salvage what we could from this date. No apology for the way his Mother acted was received. We both knew this was it. There was nothing to save here. I just hope for his sake, he learns to stand up to her and not let her crash any more of his dates! We left our separate ways before we’d even finished our drinks and today, (the morning after the date) I have heard nothing from him. I must have done something really really bad in a previous life to deserve that one last night!! Good luck to the next girl who dates him…. and his Mother.