Ben* – Property Development

So obviously the David Experiment didn’t have a lasting, positive outcome. Instead it proved that a particular name has absolutely no effect on the type of man christened with said name. The clearly very scientific research conducted into the name David has no scientific standing whatsoever! Academics will be so upset everywhere. In light of my failed attempts to find the perfect (for me) David, I got myself back on the dating apps and started swiping people with other names too. Whilst swiping away, I matched with a guy called Ben* and after the standard small talk that happens every time, we arranged to meet up for a drink…

Note: before I matched and started chatting with Ben, I actually have another story before him. I went traveling for a few weeks around Bali and Singapore and met a guy there. Unfortunately this story about Ben was way to good to keep everyone waiting!! My next blog post about the guy from Bali will have to back track. Trust me! I couldn’t wait to write this one.

Back to Ben. In his messages he seemed alright. He was a property developer who lived fairly close by and worked around London. He was easy to talk to and I didn’t feel like I had to drag conversation out of him (which I hate). I have a tendency to talk about work too much, mainly because it interests me. Sometimes I worry and have to stop myself before my date hands me an anorak and binoculars and tells me to stand at the end of a runway (a common joke about plane spotters). The fact that Ben was good at keeping it all moving forward was a great sign to me. Anyway, we agreed on when and where to meet up and I seemed hopeful for a good date (HAHA! I can’t believe I was so naive).

I arrived after Ben and he was already sat at a little table near the bar with a drink. I smiled and made a beeline for the bar to get myself something. He stood and said hello with a polite kiss on the cheek and we sat and began chatting. It started with the bog standard “hey, how was work?” etc which moved onto how long we’ve done our jobs for and so on and so forth. About twenty minutes in Ben’s phone, which was on the table, started buzzing. He picked it up, looked at the screen, sighed a little and then returned the phone to the table. Stuff like that doesn’t bother me so I asked “Did you want to take that? I really don’t mind at all”. He thanked me but declined and carried on explaining his work to me. The phone started buzzing again to which he, again, looked at the screen and sighed. “Seriously, it must be important. I really don’t mind if you need to just take the call”. I really didn’t mind! If it’s important then I would hate to think he missed it just to be polite. I didn’t hear the whole conversation but just heard bits of his end that concerned me slightly “Mum…… yeah we’re here still…… oh really? Ok well sure come and meet us……” Excuse me? What? Come and meet us? Mum? How many more question marks can I fit in just a few lines? Bearing in mind I’ve just met this guy, he’s told his Mum she can come and sit with us on our first date.

Ben returns to the table and sits back down. “Is everything OK?” I ask and he replies with “Yeah it was just Mum but everything is fine.” No mention of her coming here. Maybe I heard it wrong then or just missed a bit of the conversation. We go back to our conversation for another ten minutes or so when it happened. “Ben, darling”. I absolutely did not hear that phone conversation wrong because there she was, clear as the look of horror on my face at that exact moment, a woman who must have been in her mid fifties wearing an outfit that could have been from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, arms outstretched and smiling our way. What. The. Actual. Holy. Mother. Of. All. Things. Kill me now. Kill me now. I can’t even run away. Ben stands up and greets his Mother like what is happening is the most normal thing in the world right now! I look around for my nearest emergency exit and seriously consider just running through it. My bag and coat will have to be left behind now; collateral damage. Instead, I remain a vision of calm and poise and stand up to introduce myself and say hello to this woman. Just to remind you all. I’ve been in the physical presence of this guy for a total of around thirty minutes at this point. Half an hour! I’m now meeting his Mother!

The Mother asks me what I do for a living so I tell her I’m cabin crew. From the look on her face anyone would think I’ve just told this woman I skin dolphins for a living. I thought maybe she hadn’t heard me correctly so I carried on saying which company I work for and that I really enjoy the travel aspect of the job. Rather than feigning the same politeness that I was doing so expertly, she asked me something that made me want to pick up my lime and soda and throw it over her, “Have you ever thought about doing something more with your life? I mean it’s not a very respectable job is it. Are your parents proud of you for that?” *Silence*

Ben never said a word through this. I couldn’t say anything either. I ignored the questions but she just couldn’t let it go! She was rude, arrogant and completely oblivious to what she was doing. “You know my sweetie Ben has had some lovely girlfriends in the past. They’ve had some very top jobs up in London…” on and on and on it goes. I DON’T CARE is screaming inside of my head. I need to get out. Where is my escape? She just can’t stop talking. It feels like somebody is scratching their nails down a chalkboard while playing the bagpipes really badly and swinging a cat around in a pillowcase (No animals were actually harmed in the making of this imaginary scenario). I’m starting to feel myself coming to the end of my tether. I’m standing on the edge at breaking point! While they were both just at the bar I’ve already sent messages to my friend telling her the horror of what is going on! Once back, Ben’s Monster (sorry, I spelled Mother wrong) suddenly seemed rather intrigued about my employment. She wanted to know more information about what us mere cabin crew servants get up to on our trips away. She asked me if it’s true that we all sleep around. This was too perfect an opportunity to miss! If I didn’t grab this bull by the absolute balls right now I would regret it. I knew I’d never see this guy again and I knew I never wanted to see his Mother again so I just couldn’t resist in letting my answer slip, “Yeah we do. We all get together on trips and have massive orgies in each others’ rooms” Obviously I let out a little laugh to make it sound like maybe I was joking. She wasn’t amused. I looked around waiting for my round of applause but no one else was listening.

Finally this was where Ben decided to speak up, “Mum, do you think maybe you could leave now so that we can talk? I’ll see you at home later.” With that, he kissed her on the cheek and walked her outside, hopefully into the lake across the road. He came back and we spent the next thirty minutes awkwardly trying to salvage what we could from this date. No apology for the way his Mother acted was received. We both knew this was it. There was nothing to save here. I just hope for his sake, he learns to stand up to her and not let her crash any more of his dates! We left our separate ways before we’d even finished our drinks and today, (the morning after the date) I have heard nothing from him. I must have done something really really bad in a previous life to deserve that one last night!! Good luck to the next girl who dates him…. and his Mother.



David #4 – Pilot (Ergh, I know)

As you can tell from the title of this post, I already know exactly what you’re all thinking; especially those who work with me. I’ll get to it later about the fact he’s a pilot. For those who want to try and guess who the man in question is… don’t bother because this happened a while ago now! It wasn’t on a recent trip as I tend to leave it a few weeks before writing about my frogs now. I won’t draw this out any longer; let’s get on with the show.

What’s important about this story is that his name isn’t actually David! I know, I know, it kind of defeats the point of being in the David experiment but I don’t actually know his real name!! The Captain and the man in question had been joking around on their previous night and had come up with nicknames for each other. Said pilot was christened Comedy Dave so that’s all I knew him as! Maybe his name is Dave but I don’t know unfortunately. For that reason, I’ve included him as a David. I’m the one tapping away at the keys so all you can do is accept that this is what I’ve done.

For this story you should know that for some of our one night trips, us cabin crew don’t fly home with the same pilots we flew out with. So, on a one night stop over in the Caribbean I met David who is a pilot. I didn’t fly out with David but he was working home with us. I didn’t know any of my crew but it is customary that crew meet for a much needed alcoholic beverage when we arrive at our exotic destination. The flight out had been busy and a little hectic so I definitely needed a cocktail! I’ll skip ahead a bit…… Whilst sitting down on the beach with a mango daiquiri in hand one of the crew members pointed at two guys sitting at the bar “That must be our flight crew taking us home” (crew members stick out like a sore thumb so you can spot them a mile away). She proceeded to jump up and go and invite them over. I recognised the first officer (co-pilot for those not in the industry) straight away and began racking my brain (Ahh I remember, a Jersey night stop last year). Some vague introductions were made and he recognised me so we chatted about how he’d moved from short haul to long haul and some other boring work crap. Rather than dragging out the small talk bit I’ll just tell you that he was absolutely hilarious and we got on really well. We both had a good laugh and conversation flowed. There was banter flying around and more alcohol consumed over the night.

Slowly people started to peel away from the group until only a handful of us remained. Then some idiot suggested going in the sea (god I hate when crew get drunk and suggest the ocean at night as a good idea)! Of course by this point we all thought it was a bloody good idea so in the sea we went! Some got down to underwear, some girls figured screw it and went topless. I, on the other hand, panicked because I suddenly remembered I had decided to put on some ugly big knickers that were a faded white colour with some kind of grey pattern on. Christ what was I thinking? Well I was thinking that after a long flight I wanted to be comfortable and didn’t plan on anyone seeing my stupid, massive (like practically Bridget Jones style) knickers! My only solution was to keep my top on and pull it down so it was long enough to cover my sizable pants; luckily it was long enough. We all splashed around and continued chatting and moaning about how cold it was getting. Dave and I carried on our conversation and getting to know each other when he said “I’m so sorry but I don’t actually know your name”. Well that makes two of us! after laughing that we didn’t actually know each others’ names (I know what you’re thinking, hilarious right?) he decided he’d stick with Dave and I would be Lulu. Fuck knows why he chose that name but I just went with it. A few more people decided to get out and head to bed but before they left asked us if we were staying. Dave looked at me, smiled and just said “Lulu and I have more to chat about so we’ll see you tomorrow”. Of course some looks were exchanged before Dave and I were left in the water alone. I’m just going to say it right now, no I did not have sex with him in the sea!! No sexual contact at all was made so go and hose yourself down.

I’ll paint the picture for you now but be careful because it’s going to sound pretty romantic! The sky was completely clear and speckled with stars. The moon was almost full and shone down reflecting on the water. The only other light was coming from the hotel just behind the palm trees and the only sound was that of the waves softly kissing the shore. The waves were getting a little stronger and although we weren’t deep, one wave pushed me into Dave. He caught me and just looked down at my face. His hand came up and very delicately pushed some of the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. Even in the dim light I could see his eyes staring straight into mine. Without any hesitation he leaned down and kissed me. Alright I said no sexual contact was made but kissing hardly counts as sexual contact. Anyway, that all sounds damn romantic doesn’t it? I can tell you now, there was not much romantic about having waves crashing into you. We were both trying to keep our balance while trying to kiss and a big wave crashed into us mid lip lock. My mouth was full of water so without even thinking about the fact his lips were still pressed on mine, I spat all of it out and into his mouth! Once the realisation of what I’d just done dawned on me, I pulled away to laugh and apologise while he spat the water out into the sea. There’s nothing romantic about being cold and wet in massive, ugly knickers and spitting salt water into somebody else’s mouth.

We both laughed and moved to shallower waters to continue talking (and kissing) a little more. This was where I suddenly panicked! I grabbed his left hand and inspected it closely. No wedding ring. Thank god! There was also not even the hint of a tan line where one would be so there wasn’t even the ghost of a wedding ring. He clocked on and burst out laughing. “Lulu I’m not married! Never have been and there’s no chance of it happening in the near future”. Phew! I know what pilots are like. Ok, I shouldn’t stereotype because there are some decent ones out there who are completely faithful and I feel sorry for them because they are tarnished with the same brush as the cheats. There are, however, a number of pilots who shouldn’t be trusted; just as there are some cabin crew who should never be trusted with matters of the heart. Anyway, he kissed me again and we continued to laugh and get to know each other more until we were both shivering and had fingers that looked like some kind of old wrinkly ball sack. Bed time! Dave was a gentlemen and we kissed goodnight before heading off our separate ways to bed.

The next morning I got up early and went for a run along the beach before breakfast. I met Dave at the agreed time and we had breakfast together, like it was something we did every day. During breakfast he kept finding opportunities to grab my fingers under the table and just hold them, like he couldn’t stand it not to have contact with me. It was cute: kind of needy, but made me feel special. After breakfast a load of us spent the morning  together by the pool. I know, it’s such a hard life I live for work. It was early afternoon when everyone split off to go and get a nap in and get ready for the night flight home. The story is boring until the end of the flight now. Rather than bore you with the details of my nap, shower, getting changed and then working the flight home, I’ll skip forward to the end of the flight!

I didn’t see Dave for the whole flight, then once all the passengers were off, he came straight up to me and grabbed my hand. Hang on, some of the other crew will see this but he doesn’t seem to care! He wasn’t exactly being subtle about it all so I smiled. He kissed me on the forehead and apologised that he hadn’t seen me during the flight. He asked me for my number so I quickly scribbled it down on a scrap of paper and he put it in his pocket. Naturally some of the other crew members who did spot it made a few jokey comments and laughed. Dave and I just smiled at them and continued on our way. Getting off the plane, everyone said their goodbyes and starting walking off. As I was walking off feeling pretty good about myself I suddenly heard my cabin manager say behind me say to Dave “Thanks again and good luck with the baby coming and everything”. Oh come on!! Seriously? Of course he has a baby on the way. Of course something is wrong with this situation. My heart sank and I just carried on walking like I hadn’t heard anything. Are you kidding me?

That was it. I was so angry with myself. It had just been a kiss but I still felt awful. There was a pregnant woman somewhere who had absolutely no idea what her baby daddy had been doing. If I had known I would never ever have let it happen. I couldn’t believe I had been such an idiot. I should always trust my instinct with pilots. I never heard from Dave after that trip and assumed I never would. Over a week had passed since the trip when I received this message…


Wow! What the hell do you say to that? I chose to say nothing because I didn’t want to hear anything else from him. I didn’t need to listen to any excuses because there was no excuse and he knew that. What did really make things worse was his last sentence. Did he think that because he’d paid me a compliment I’d turn around and say “oh well in that case no worries”? There was nothing to say in reply and I’ve never heard anything else from him. I just hope he hasn’t made a habit of it on his trips!

This has taught me (again) to stay away from pilots. What is difficult and what you should try to understand is that in my job, it’s tough to meet guys. It’s easy to get pulled in when an attractive man in some exotic country tells you he’s single and is nice to you. I don’t get many opportunities to meet eligible bachelors because I’m always away and my friends at home have lives so going out has become less frequent. The majority of straight guys in my job are pilots and unfortunately my mind reading skills aren’t what people expect them to be so I can only take the information I am given at face value. Anyway, I’ll not make that mistake again!!

Me – 3
David Experiment – 1

David #3 – Delivery driver

I should probably start by saying that yes, Dave#2 was a dream and completely adorable! We continued chatting for a week or so but he made the decision that maybe the difficulty in communicating with each other was a good enough reason to call it a day. We’ve chatted again since and I am happy to report to his fans that he has started dating a girl who can sign. He’s happy and even wished me all the happiness that he knows I deserve. After one date and he’s this perfect!

This one is another fairly quick one so easy reading to digest on your lunch break…… I met Dave#3 on Tinder (yes, I’m still using it because you never know). We matched and did the standard awkward opening lines and getting to know each other. He’s nine years older than me so I was hoping that the maturity would help. Hopefully he’s spent a few years already playing the field and maybe fancies something with more substance. No rush! And absolutely no pressure, but I’m just thinking ahead so I’m not wasting my time. Dave and I chatted for a week or so and then exchanged numbers where we continued our thrilling small talk and 20 questions games while learning more about one another. He was a food delivery driver for an independent company. He seemed like a genuine and very sweet guy; a little less extroverted than I usually go for but a nice guy all the same.

I did struggle to keep conversations flowing and it felt like hard work getting him to talk but I hadn’t met him in person yet and figured maybe he just wasn’t great with conversing via messages. We both agreed to try and arrange something quickly in order to meet up as we shared the view that we’d rather meet sooner and not waste time messaging; only to finally meet and not actually like each other. Now I am absolutely all for guys and girls sharing the responsibility for organising a date and I think it’s great when a guy is polite and let’s you choose the place. What I cannot get on board with is a guy who does this for every decision:

Me: “I don’t mind where we go. Do you have anything in mind?”

Him: “I don’t mind. No not really. You choose.” (Ok then so I did choose)

Me: “Do you fancy drinks or dinner?”

Him: “I don’t mind. You choose.” (So I said dinner)

Me: “What time suits you best? I’m free all day as I’m off work so whatever works for you.”

Him: “I don’t mind. You choose.”

You get the point! I ended up making the decisions for everything! Like I said, I completely get that he was being sweet and being a gentleman but in some ways it also kind of makes me feel like he’s a pushover. I already know that I could never be with a pushover. I need someone who challenges me and who is happy to take the lead sometimes. I have Daddy issues remember! I need someone who is strong willed and confident to try to fix those Daddy issues. Get your heads out of the gutter! I’m not looking for someone to be my Daddy; gross! We all know that girls look for partners who are similar to their Father figures; the man who first loved them unconditionally. I wasn’t lucky enough to have a Father figure (other than the one who abandoned me) so I know that I will struggle, but I need someone to replace that. I like to think I’ve learned enough about myself to know what sort of man I need (insert crying with laughter emoji here because I’m clearly not doing a very good job of finding a decent man).

Anyway, I’d put the trousers on and made every single decision for the date. The day arrived and, as I normally do, I messaged him in the morning with a simple “Hey, how are you? Still all good for later on?” To which I received no reply. The day goes by and the clock continues rolling through the hours and minutes and still, I hear nothing from him. It gets to half an hour before we are meant to be meeting and I send a message asking “Just checking everything is ok?” You guessed it! No reply. I heard nothing all night from him so got into my pjs and started watching a chick flick to cheer me up. Later on that evening my phone buzzed and I read the message on my screen…. “Hey. Sorry, wasn’t really feeling it.” What kind of apology is that? Also really?? If you’re not ‘feeling it’ send me a message in the morning saying something came up or actually you’ve changed your mind. Don’t leave me hanging all day. I’ve wasted my day off not planning anything in that would clash with our evening date. I’ve put on a nice outfit and styled my hair only to then sit in pyjamas and stuff my face, while watching a film that makes me want to kill myself because it only reminds me that my romantic life resembles the remains of a rabbit that has been hit by a car and repeatedly run over by other screeching car tyres (no rabbits were harmed in the writing of this post).

So. Dave#3 was not a success.

Me – 2
The David Experiment – 1