Anthony* – Graphic Designer

Anthony* – Graphic Designer

So getting back into the dating World means going on the apps. I do not enjoy them. There is not one single part of being on the apps that I find fun. I will actively avoid going on and swiping. I’ve lost almost all of my confidence in myself including my ability to even talk to people. My previous post let you all in on the fact I feel ashamed of myself for where I’ve let myself fall to.  I’ve put on a lot of weight; I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’ve also fallen out of love with the...

I’ve Let Myself Go

I’ve Let Myself Go

What if it was all my fault? I’m back. I’m not sure how long for but we move.  It’s been a while. Mainly because I needed to distance myself. I love writing. But it was becoming so sad and miserable. Taking a step back was necessary. I’m still sad and miserable I’m sorry to say.  BUT I have been on some dates! So at least I’ve got some stuff to write about that isn’t me wanting to vacate the World.  My nephews are still the absolute loves of my life and while they’re growing, they’re still my reason to stick...

I’ve not been fine

I’ve not been fine

I’ve not been doing fine. I tell everyone “I’m fine” but the reality speaks very differently. This year has been possibly the hardest in terms of my emotional and mental wellbeing. I’ve struggled every day. Some days it just felt too much and I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I still don’t.  It’s funny; I said it out loud and people didn’t hear me. This isn’t strictly true but the very few people who did reach out were some of the most unexpected. People I haven’t seen since school and college. Now...

My Reason To Stay

My Reason To Stay

To Arthur and Grayson. My boys. You made me an Auntie. The greatest gift you could have ever given me. A role that I have loved having every second so far. What you boys might never know is you also made me stay.  Your parents fought hard to bring you here. They chose to love each other through the pain, the tears and the waiting. That love kept you safe until you arrived.  On that day, once we knew that you were both safe and your Mum was safe, we all felt so much love. It was scary at first and...

I’m Alive But I’m Not Living

I’m Alive But I’m Not Living

I’ve lost the will to live.  Not the will to be alive. I keep breathing in and out and I keep being alive but I’m not living.  Not like I used to.  I used to try to make the most of days and work trips. I wanted to enjoy every moment as much as I could. Now, I don’t live. I just get myself through each day hoping something will change.  I’m not living anymore. So I sit in this hole. It’s not getting any deeper but I haven’t yet found the motivation to climb out of it. I just...

Three Times Ghosted

Three Times Ghosted

Once, twice, three times ghosted! Excellent.  Granted, two of them then a few weeks later came back to apologise for ghosting me and of course included the “it’s not you, it’s me” line in one way or another.  One of the guys is sadly Pete* from my last date. My first toe back in the water was successful, it seemed successful… and then it didn’t.  Let’s start this chronologically though. Three Times Ghosted begins. The first one was a guy I met on a popular dating app with a bee theme where women have to initiate chats after matching.  We...

One Foot Forward

One Foot Forward

Just keep going George. Carry on putting one foot forward and the other will always follow.  I keep looking down at the ground and just watching my feet move heavily over the rocks and snowy path. The sound of my deep breathing fills my head and I can feel my chest trying so hard to catch my own breath. I start rolling my eyes and telling myself to keep moving my fat arse forward. The only way out of this is to keep going. There are so many good people around me. I can feel Al move quietly behind me,...

It’s A Date

It’s A Date

So, I went on a date. First date. I went on a first date with somebody I’d never met before. We had been texting for a month or so.  After Will* ended things with me and tore my World apart from the inside. Something I never saw coming. An inside job that completely floored me; I didn’t think I’d ever want to date again. I’d even said in my previous post that the thought of being near anyone else made me feel over anxious. I felt terrified to even try to date again. A friend of mine stepped in and...

From The Ashes

From The Ashes

I promise I’m trying.  I’m trying to rise from the ashes and be better. I promise I am trying to feel better. It’s been a struggle. I’ve hid it well though because nobody seems to realise how much I’m struggling. Hanging on by a thread. Don’t get me wrong: as in my previous post, everyone has been wonderful. I’ve been very lucky with support from all angles. I have found some difficult though. I suppose this might help as a ‘What not to say to a friend dealing with a break up’. I’ve had the opinions of  “it sounds like...

From Me. To You.

From Me. To You.

I want to say Thank you. Thank you to all of you. I’ve received so many messages. More than I ever thought I would from people checking in, offering advice or places to escape to for a while. Dog walks, coffee dates, ears to rant to and anything in between! People I don’t know very well, people I haven’t spoken to in years, even people I’ve never even met; all took the time to just say ‘I’m thinking of you. I hope you’re ok’.  My heart might be in pieces but from the absolute bottom of each and every shard,...