Hold It In

A rough day. 

It’s sunny outside, really sunny. I’m sitting on a train platform heading into London for a friend’s Birthday BBQ. 

I do what most do when they’re waiting for anything; I open my phone and scroll through my social media app. The photos of friends and colleagues scrolling past. They’re all smiling and happy.

Then something catches my eye. 

Suggested for you.

People you may know.

The app shows you people you could follow. They might be people you have lots of friends in common with. It could also be someone who has searched up your profile. Someone who took an interest in looking you up. Not everyone knows this, but if you search for someone on this particular app, it will show your profile to them as a suggested friend. 

The profile photo of this particular person has a man and a woman in it. I don’t know the woman. 

But I do know the man. 

My ex. The big one. 

The man who completely broke me. 

He is smiling. He’s happy. 

She’s obviously searched my profile. She is curious to see what I look like. It’s not her fault. She obviously doesn’t know the app will show me. 

This person doesn’t realise that the jump scare I’ve been handed while I’m waiting on the platform for a train, will cause my heart to race. My stomach will suddenly feel heavy with pain. The tears will start to pool in my eyes. But I’m in public. I have to hold it in. Don’t let anyone see. 

Don’t let the panic rise enough that you break in front of people. 

Hold it in. 

Sit on the train and don’t make a sound. 

A scream sits inside of my chest. 

It’s not their fault. They’re happy. It’s been nearly 5 years and they’re allowed to be happy. 

So why am I not? 

Why is it that he was allowed to find happiness carrying so much more baggage? Carrying so many more things a partner would have to compromise on. 

Because that’s just the way it works. 

Life never works out the way you hope it will. Sometimes it takes longer for some people. Maybe it’ll take forever for me. 

How do you know if things worked out the way they were supposed to? 

You don’t. 

They might never work out the way you wanted them to. 

For now, I just have to sit on the train and don’t make a sound. Don’t break in public. Try to stop the tears from falling.