It’s been a minute.
Well, actually it’s been more like 10 hours.
Things have been a little bit crazy over the past few years. I hope you’re all ok after it. I have lots to talk about regarding the whole Pandemic thing but first, I want to settle back in with something good.
It’s big so prepare yourself.
I’m in love (again).
This time though, and in fact for the first time in my 31 years of existence, I am loved back.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you. It’s not that I didn’t want to; trust me, I wanted to scream it from mountains.
I was scared that if I told people; said it out loud, he wouldn’t be there anymore. He wouldn’t love me back anymore.
Men don’t love me. They leave me. I don’t want these feelings and I certainly don’t like having them. But I’m stuck with them. They are a part of me.
That’s how life has always been and I needed to make sure I wasn’t heading down the same path as before.
It’s been two and a half years now. He has his own story, a history that has left scars on his heart, just like me. His story belongs to him and his family so I’ll leave that one with them where it deserves to stay. If I’m given permission one day, I may be safe to share it, but right now, I can share my part.
I’ll start with this post.
We met at work. He’s a pilot. I always joke that it’s his worst quality. I don’t really believe that though. I’ve stuck with the cliche. Even more of a cliche is that we met on a Maldives work trip. Could not have written it cheesier if I tried.
We’ll call him William*. He’s eleven years older than me but probably keeps me younger than I keep him.
On the trip I knew the other two flight crew (pilots). I knew them both fairly well but Will, I had never met before. Due to various different reasons, I ended up spending most of the trip with the three of them. We went paddle boarding, snorkelling, drank beers while watching the sunset and chatted and joked for hours in the pool.
Whilst there, we’d made a text chat group to share photos with each other.
This detail is what started everything.
After the flight home, Will and the other two pilots got off the staff bus at their stop and I carried on to mine, thinking nothing of it. It had been a good trip and I met some decent people. But by the time I had got off the bus and walked to my car, I had a message.
Will had messaged me privately from the group to ask me for a drink. I was single so, why not?
There was a driving distance between our homes of 116 miles taking around two and a half hours. This was an obstacle but I figured we’d just see what happened.
A first date happened.
Our first date took place in a town that was exactly half way between us. We had coffee in a little cafe that neither of us knew. It felt strange at first; I was really nervous!
I’ve been on what felt like hundreds of dates before, why was I nervous about this one?
We spent hours chatting, laughing and learning more about each other. He had an air of ease about him that instantly made me feel relaxed. I could see straight away that Will was laid back. He made me feel calm. My anxiety and nervousness melted away into the floor beneath me while we sat in that cafe.
It was easy.
At the end of the date, we said our goodbyes. He kissed me. I know some would use the word comfortable as an insult for a kiss but this isn’t an insult. The kiss was comfortable. Comfortable in a way that made me feel like this is where I was meant to be in that moment. Comfortable because I sunk into it and felt safe with his arms around me.
We parted ways and I smiled the whole way home.
Did it feel perfect? Of course not!
I was terrified! I still am, even two and a half years later.
I’m scared every single day that Will might just walk away from me. I never will fully know what he’s thinking or how he’s actually feeling. That is the bit about relationships that terrifies me.
My ex told me so many things that I believed but that clearly weren’t true or how he really felt. If they were true, he changed his mind pretty quickly in the last month of our relationship.
If Will tells me something, how can I be sure he won’t just change his mind in a short space of time?
But, that’s the risk.
That’s the risk we take when we date. The risk we take when we step into a relationship. It’s the risk we have to take when we give our heart to somebody else.
It doesn’t always pay off but it’s worth it for those moments where you sink into a kiss and feel comfortable in someone’s arms. The risk is worth it for those moments where you hear someone tell you that they love you for the first time (I cried, obviously). It’s worth it for every moment you get to spend with that person that makes you feel happy.