So, I went on a few dates with someone. It was actually more than a few dates. I’m not going to write about him or our time. That’s the decision I’ve made and it’s my blog so I get to make that decision.
It was earlier this year and lasted for the best part of about four months.
The main thing about this that I did want to write about, is that I’m the one who ended things.
He is a great guy.
He has a good job. This guy is a really interesting person. We laughed a lot and had a nice time.
Ultimately, after our time together I still just wasn’t there romantically. My feelings just weren’t going anywhere.
The reason I’m writing about it is because when I asked people for advice about what I should do, they all said the same thing to me,
“Why don’t you just keep trying”.
Even when I told them I had tried. I was still met with essentially, people asking if I’d tried hard enough.
What? To force my feelings to be something they’re not?
I suddenly realised that sometimes people don’t really care how you feel about someone; if they’re ‘appropriate’ for you, you should just fake it. It doesn’t matter if you want it or not, just go through the motions and pretend.
Because it’s better than being single right?
There was a day where I was on my way to work thinking about it and I phoned my Mum in tears. I couldn’t breathe I was crying so hard about it. I couldn’t, in good conscience for both of us, continue this thing while I wasn’t feeling it. There was no part of me that could just pretend. But also, I kept feeling that deep fear that I’d be single again, trying to date.
Here I was, a great guy wanting to spend time with me.
But something wasn’t right.
I kept thinking about that scene in Ted Lasso where Hannah Waddingham’s character goes on a date and she’s asking what people thought of him and Roy says something about “you deserve to feel like you’ve been struck by fucking lightning”. I couldn’t get it out of my head.
We do deserve to feel like that.
Everyone deserves to feel like they’ve been struck by lightning. I don’t want to settle for a static shock because someone is appropriate for me.
Appropriate doesn’t mean the same thing as romance.
I’m aware I would have had a lovely life with a lovely guy. The situation wasn’t perfect and I’d have to compromise on a lot but because he was very ‘appropriate’ for me, all anyone cared about was whether I had put enough effort in. Whether I had tried hard enough.
I wonder if guys ever get asked if they’ve “tried hard enough”? Or is that question just saved for single women?
It just seemed wild to me that this was where I was at.
But equally, I sat with a deep rooted fear inside the pit of my stomach. What if this was it? What if I’m not meant to feel like I’ve been struck by lightning?
It doesn’t always feel like that and I know it rarely actually does. But surely I should feel more than I was?
Could I fake it and pretend for long enough?
He deserves to be with someone who feels like he’s their lightning. He’s probably already found them. He absolutely deserves to have someone feel head over heels for him.
Unfortunately, it just wasn’t me.
But that is ok!
Don’t feel like you have to settle just because you’re scared of the alternative. If your gut is telling you it’s not right for you, listen to it. It probably isn’t right for you.
Stop telling your female friends to “try harder”. Stop asking if they’ve tried hard enough. It does not help.
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