Now, as we already know I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Instead I’ve had some negative and a lot of funny experiences with men. The snake incident made me remember the funny side of trying to date, so I was determined not to give up. On a student night out in 2012 I met Andy*. Andy was to become someone I cared about very much. He was the first time I ever came close to having a boyfriend; although if you ask him about it, he’ll just say it was nothing serious!
I started talking to Andy because his friend was chatting up my housemate. We bonded over the fact we lived so close together back home and went out to the same places. He was studying public services and was an interesting guy to talk to. Anyway we swapped numbers and that was that!
Andy seemed almost perfect.
We spent a lot of time together over the next few months. I really did feel like this was it; my first ever boyfriend at 21! I felt safe with Andy. It felt like I could leave my past behind me, especially the more recent past. He knew about what had happened and was very sensitive about it but I felt safe enough to let my guard down. I could allow myself to be intimate with him.
Woah big step for me!
It was perfect and a huge leap forward for me. We continued our, well whatever it was, and everything felt like it was falling into place. He knew all of my little habits that made me seem just so adorable (yes I am adorable) and I knew his. If we were in bed together he would always make sure our clothes were neatly folded in separate piles before he could go to sleep. He would call me a sneaky little squirrel when I got shy and hid under the covers. He used to go red all over when he was excited. I’m allowed to be all soppy and nostalgic.
This was an exciting new thing for me!
After a few months of being together I started to question why Andy had never met any of my friends. He’d never made any effort to meet them and while I was thinking about it, he never made any effort to actually take me out on a date!! Now, I hadn’t made it easy for him so I know he didn’t just see me as some kind of friend with benefits but I couldn’t help but think I’m being mugged off here. So one night while he was at mine and we were watching a film I decided to ask. We were cuddled up (I know, it sounds so lame now) and I said “do you think we’ll still see each other after Uni when we go home?”
Now ladies and gentlemen, this is where Andy had the choice. He had a way out of this. I had offered him a way out. Did he take it? Did he fuck! Instead he lied point blank, pulled me in closer to him and said
“well that’s silly, of course we’ll see each other again. This past three months hasn’t been for nothing”.
How could I have been so naive.
Easter holidays came and we both went our separate ways for the two weeks. I say separate but we only lived 45 minutes away from each other at home! Over the holidays it was like Andy suddenly disappeared. One day everything stopped. No replies to any messages. Absolutely nothing. I figured he was busy so waited until we were back at Uni.
No reason. No excuses. Not even stupid standard man responses to things (not all men are like this I know. But I was skeptical at the time).
Zero. Zip. Zilch.
So that was it. My short lived first ever kind of relationship. Ended with no reason whatsoever. Unfortunately this threw me back to a slightly darker place where all I could do was question what was wrong with me. I went back to thinking everything over. I reverted backwards to the point after the assault where I questioned what was so wrong with me that men felt they could treat me like I was worthless. Unfortunately I was never going to find an answer to this.
All I could do was pick myself up and move on to the next frog. Oh and the next one was a real Prince Charming!