This post has been circling in my head for a while now. I was really conflicted about whether to actually sit and write it or whether to just leave it as a discarded idea. Unfortunately, my constant need to be honest with you all and to write about this stuff won over this time. So here we are!
After my big break up, I was in a confused and pretty dark place. Rather than take the time I needed, I jumped into dating somebody else. He’s a great guy so luckily for me I didn’t go to the wrong kind of guy for solace. Things fizzled out with us; no bad feelings or anything. It just didn’t feel right anymore for either of us. The point of this post comes a few months later where we bumped into each other in our favourite pub and had both ingested a lot of alcohol. It’s very important for me to stress that I had drunk a lot of alcohol… I mean, a lot! The whole question came as a complete misunderstanding on my part. We got chatting, reminiscing about when we were dating, discussing the idea of trying it again. During this conversation somewhere, he made a comment about us not being sexually compatible. I, in a drunken state, took this as him telling me I was bad in bed! I was horrified and humiliated that he’d told me (as far as I’d told myself) that I was bad in bed. The whole question “Am I bad in bed” is borderline in the same category as
Is My Vagina Normal?
It’s the kind of question you never want to ask because you’re terrified of the answer and the answer will always be subjective. So to have someone tell me I’m bad in bed, or so I convinced myself he’d told me, was possibly the most embarrassing thing ever. Just very quickly on a side note, I am lucky enough to have been told by two different people, both with very trustworthy qualifications that my vagina, is in fact, completely normal. The first time was by a lovely South African Doctor during a rape exam (for more information read this post). I was nervous and she’d finished taking swabs before asking if I had any questions. I panicked and asked whether my vagina was normal. After the Dr, the police officer and my housemate had finished laughing, she assured me it is completely normal. The second time around was with a Gynaecology consultant. I was tilted backwards, legs spread, genitalia up in the air having pre cancerous cells frozen and removed when I decided to ask the question again; just to be sure! He replied saying that I had a very good looking cervix and proceeded to ask if I wanted to have a look. Nah I’m good thanks. I’ll take your word for it. Phew. Thank God for that then.
After this night, I went away wondering if I really was bad in bed. I sat replaying every single sexual experience wondering if the guy actually hated every second of it because it was terrible. I scrutinized every move I made (quite literally) and went over what I should or could or would have done better. What if my ex broke up with me because the sex was terrible for him? What if my 22 year old sex God really hadn’t enjoyed any of what I thought was amazing? No man had ever complained or told me I was terrible in the sack. I’d always had good responses. The prospect of ever sleeping with anyone again made me feel anxious. If I really was bad in bed I couldn’t put somebody else through that. I’m doomed to never have sex ever again for the fear that I let any other man experience terrible sex. I catastrophized this and made it all completely up in my head!! After speaking to the same guy again, I learned that he had in fact, never said what I feared he had. He had simply said we just weren’t compatible together. Even though I made it all up, it did prompt me to reconsider the idea that people are never ‘bad in bed’ but simply just don’t work sexually together. Like puzzle pieces; they don’t always fit together as well as they do with other pieces.
Let’s look at a previous frog of mine. Those who have read my blog from the beginning will remember the one who just didn’t like foreplay. If you recall correctly, I likened his very limited foreplay skills to
Tapping a teaspoon on a hard boiled egg to break the shell.
In my eyes, he really was terrible in bed! But now I look at things, he’s been in a long term relationship for years now. His current girlfriend must like his bedroom skills. Maybe myself and him weren’t sexually compatible but he’s a sex God to his current girlfriend. If you haven’t read this particular blog post, I recommend it. It’s a funny one! You can find out more here. This was my first piece of evidence to suggest that maybe compatibility where the magic happens really is a thing. What if nobody is terrible in bed; they just don’t always fit in the puzzle for you?
I’m not going to sit and go through every sexual experience I’ve ever had. Don’t worry! But what I will do is tell you that it turns out you’re never bad in bed! You might not be one person’s cup of tea but somebody else will be absolutely blown away with your skills. I found out with a rude awakening filled with anxiety and catastrophizing. I even went as far as contemplating messaging previous guys. Luckily I thought better of it and decided, what does it matter anyway? As long as you’re enjoying, the other person is enjoying it and nobody gets hurt then you fit your puzzle pieces together which ever way you want to.
And I said I’d never talk about sex on here. Until next time.