What now? My stories have reached up to exactly where I am in the present. I have more dates lined up in the near future and will continue to write about them but for now, I feel that it is important to look at how my opinion of dating and love has been shaped throughout my previous experiences. When people say to me that they have bad luck with dating, I lead them to this blog and invite them to read the proof of just how bad my luck is. I think most of you can agree that I don’t do well with men (well that’s an understatement). I have learned a lot about myself as well as my frogs whilst writing about them.
When I first started dating I wasn’t ready for a relationship so, in a way, I’m glad that none of my stories had happy endings even though we were all hoping for it to go well! After the sexual assault I was even less ready for a relationship and needed time to heal both inside and out. I only started to feel ready for a relationship when I hit 22. We’ve read the stories (I’ve lived them) so we all know how they go and how I felt about them all. We all know nothing worked out with guys. We all know that it wasn’t until I was 24 years old and met Richard* that I felt some self worth and I felt what it was like to experience love (maybe; who knows about that). We also know that nothing seemed to work out right after Richard either. Every man seemed to find some poor excuse to end it with me; a lot of them were lies. Now, I’m not ignorant to the fact that a lot of you will probably have experienced the same lies and poor excuses. To the men reading this, I apologise on behalf of women for you being messed around and to the women reading this, well we all know that some men are just tools! Both sexes have spent years screwing each other around and unfortunately, it’s now a normal part of growing up. Heartbreak is a right of passage into the adult world now, and at nearly 26 years old, I think I’m only really starting to experience it.
I feel lonely. I feel lonely most of the time. You’ll be ashamed to know that I talk to Brian* sometimes to combat that lonliness (Brian is the one who said I should go to the gym and called me a 4 out of 10). Brian is still useless with women and to be honest I don’t find myself wanting to be with him anyway. I know I can do better (shockingly, I actually believe that now). I still talk to Richard sometimes; although it gets less and less. Over the past few weeks I find myself missing him more and more every day. The last time I saw him was in September of 2014 but only now, in March of 2016 has it really sunk in that I don’t think I’ll ever see him again and I don’t think he ever did love me. I feel physical pain now at the thought that he doesn’t care about me anymore. It physically hurts me to think of him with someone else. Maybe I never got any closure from him so I have struggled to move on properly. With Richard, everything was always “watch this space” and “you never know when our paths may cross” but in reality we both know the truth. We will never see each other again. Only now has the pain of heartbreak really sunk its claws into me. I was hurt a lot by various men but over time I began to numb to that pain; I expected it with every new guy I went on a date with. I was almost watching a time bomb just waiting for the next excuse or lie to end anything with me. With Richard it was different; I held hope and continued to hold it for the past 18 months. Until now. Now do I feel the pain. I don’t want to talk to him anymore so I can move on but I am scared to lose him from my life. God I don’t know how so many of you experienced this years before me and managed to get through! It’s bloody horrible!
Since Richard, I’ve dated other guys. I’ve been hurt again but not to the same extent. I’ve also realised that I can’t force this. I’ve been on the other end of criticism for apparently ‘friend zoning’ guys. My right to say no to guys I don’t fancy is apparently wrong. Would it be fair for me to date someone I don’t see a future with? I can’t force this. You can’t force this. A man cannot force you to want to be with him and vice versa. All we can do is wait. It sucks big time but there’s no other way around it. I’m not going to give up dating and I don’t believe that when you stop looking love will hit you. That’s like saying if you stop looking for your car keys, you’ll find them. I don’t know about you but the only time I’ve ever found my car keys is when I’ve looked for them. I don’t desperately search but I remain open minded about possibilities.
I still have hope. My hope is what carries me through the lonliness. My hope is what helps me continue organising dates with more frogs; well hope and the fact that I love a good comedy dating story. I don’t have any hope towards Richard anymore but I do know that somewhere, there is a pretty awesome guy waiting for me. Who knows, maybe if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of him being punched in the face for giving a girl some god awful excuse to end things with her. Maybe that punch is what makes him realise he wants to look for ‘the one’. Probably not but still.
Now, enough of that. As I said before, I have dates lined up and will continue to write about them. If anyone does however know of any eligible bachelors, send them my way…
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