I want to start this post with an apology. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write anything for a while. There is a reason behind it. A big one! Brace yourselves people, this is going to be a long post. Get a cup of tea/glass of wine and some snacks because we’re in this for the long run right now…..
The reason I’ve been quiet for so long is because I have managed to bag myself a boyfriend!!
A fully fledged, living, breathing boyfriend. Before I go on anymore I have to apologise again. I’ve had said boyfriend for a while now but with the blog awards looming I decided to keep him quiet until they were done with [on a side note, I didn’t win the award]. Once the blog awards were over, life just kept getting in the way of writing a blog post about it. I guess a part of me also felt like because I didn’t win the award what was the point in writing anymore; but that’s a whole other issue in itself.
Anyway, although I’ve had a birthday since and am now 27 I got my first ever boyfriend at 26 years old. I’ve managed to keep him for coming up eight months now. EIGHT MONTHS!!!
I’ll go back to the beginning.
We met on Bumble (the dating app) where I was trying to find guys to give me new blog material. There I matched with Chris* (I’ve changed his name retrospectively to give him some privacy). His pictures were nice, he was very handsome and so I figured why not! For those who have never used Bumble, it’s basically the same as Tinder in the swipe left and right sort of way except that it’s designed to give women the control. If you match with someone the girl has to message first within 24 hours or the match disappears. So I had to message first! Oh Christ this isn’t ideal for me because I’m useless with chat up lines.
My solution? Google. I kid you not my exact search on Google was ‘best chat up lines on dating apps’ and I promised to use the first one. Life is low when you have to Google search chat up lines. The top result was my winning opener so I quickly copied it down and sent the message. Sorry Chris, I also sent the same message to about 4 other matches. It was research… for science… maybe.
Within ten minutes he replied. Oh right I should tell you my chat up line, you might want it for future use. Thanks to Google I sent, “tell me two truths and one lie”. Chris’ reply was “you’re very beautiful, Virgin is better than British Airways, we’re going for dinner this weekend” well unfortunately work was taking me to Antigua that weekend so no dinner plans for us so it must have been his lie.
Instead we arranged to meet for drinks the following week.
To be completely honest with you (he’s said this too so will agree with me) neither of us were that fussed to begin with. Yeah we had a good laugh together and he was amazing at fitting in dates whenever worked with my work rota but I don’t think either of us were really that bothered about whether it was going anywhere or not. After about a month of talking and a few dates, Chris went on holiday with his Dad and brother. We didn’t talk much while he was away and I figured, like every other time, things were beginning to fizzle out and it was the end.
I was wrong and boy am I glad about that now.
When Chris returned from holiday he messaged me asking if I wanted to meet up again; I agreed. We had a good laugh together so why not! From there things naturally progressed but not too quickly. We spent a lot of time meeting for drinks and dinner or afternoon coffee (hot chocolate for me). After only 2 months of dating we decided what the hell and booked a few days away in Prague.
I mean I’m not conventional so this was ok for me.
I was a little nervous leading up to it though; what if he murdered me while we were away? What if something bad happened? I mean, I don’t really know this guy that much do I?
My worries were put to rest when I fell ill less than two weeks before our trip away. I was really ill with something caught on a work trip. Chris had time off work as it was just after Christmas (I know, sorry it really has been that long) and this wonderful man came over and sat with me nearly every single day. He just sat with me while I was unbelievably ill and watched rubbish films with me and cuddled me. It was his idea of hell cuddling me on the sofa watching movies but he did it anyway.
All my fears of going away together melted after that and I could tell he was alright. I mean, what guy spends his time with a sick girl knowing he won’t get anything in return?
A good one.
I am always honest here so another truth is that I still wasn’t 100% sure how I felt about Chris at this point. I think I was scared, terrified in fact. Here was this guy who I liked and normally that means something will go wrong and he’ll get rid of me. But instead we were planning a holiday so soon!
A part of me knew I liked him but another part couldn’t tell if maybe I just liked the idea of him wanting to be with me. I told my friends that I’d see how Prague went but I think I knew it would go well. Jesus I was optimistic about a guy! That never happens.
Skip forward and Prague was amazing!
It was one of the best holidays I’ve ever had. It snowed and we explored the city. Chris had booked a beautiful hotel. We held hands and kissed on Charles bridge. He messed around picking me up and throwing me in the snow. We laughed (a lot) and spent the time really getting to know each other. Cue the romantic music in the background because I don’t know what to tell you guys other than, it was perfect!
No funny stories about things going wrong I’m afraid. I started falling hard for Chris during that trip. No guy has ever treated me like this before or made me feel like I deserve to be treated like this. He was and still is of course the best I’ve ever had (yes, in that way too. Really. The best ever! Sorry, Chris for making that public knowledge).
Once back from Prague things continued on. We spent time meeting each other’s families and planning more trips we wanted to go on. I met his boss and work friends. I was and still am one half of a couple.
When the hell did I become someone’s girlfriend?
Chris and I carried on growing stronger and stronger together. Obviously I had no idea what I was doing. At some point the reality started to settle in that maybe I’m not cut out to be someone’s girlfriend. I was scared everyday that he might break up with me after realising I’m clueless and he’s better than me. I’d lie awake at night and look at him just to remind myself it’s real; I’ve found someone and he’s still here.
Sometimes, like a weirdo, I would sit and just look at Chris. I liked to just take him in and admire how damn good looking he is! He’d catch me staring and shake his head with a smile. He lets me do it now. He knows I’m just looking and he understands why. It’s because by this point I’m falling in love and staring at him like a psycho just proves to me he’s really there.
Since then we’ve been on more trips to New York, Mallorca and a trip to Centre Parcs with his family. We see each other when we can which for me isn’t enough but we make it work. We’ve had Valentine’s day together and birthdays together. The poor man has experienced coming into the bathroom to see a naked me crouched on the floor with wet hair and throwing up in the toilet crying!
Chris is an absolute Saint who treats me like a princess.
Skip back to my first ever Valentine’s day with a guy in my life! I bought him tickets for us to watch his favourite football team on Valentine’s day (I know someone get me some goalie gloves because I’m a keeper). He went one further and bought me a designer purse and surprised me with roses. Jesus it’s amazing I went so long not knowing how much I love all this soppy stuff.
For the first time ever I’ve told a guy I love them. Granted we were out with my friends in Brighton and I drunkenly told Chris I love him in the middle of a gay club. I believe my words were “I don’t know if I am but I think I am. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever been in love but I think I love you”. Smooth girl, real smooth. He didn’t say it back. He smiled at me and said “you’re the most amazing girl in the world”. I’m ok with that.
Can’t force these things and besides I think he does love me really but just won’t say it out loud yet.
Also seriously why did no one warn me that being happy in a relationship brought along the extra fat pockets on my stomach, thighs and arse! This happy weight is something I never knew about. Be warned people; being happy makes you fat (well slightly bigger. I’m exaggerating).
Now? I’ve settled in. We have a very open and honest relationship. I can talk to him about anything that I’m worrying about or feeling. I feel like maybe I can do this. I am capable of being a girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. I worry if he feels distant or has an excuse not to see me. I’m a ridiculous worrying mess sometimes when it comes to us. He jokes that I worry about what day of the week it is (I don’t).
The reality is I’m scared that he doesn’t love me yet.
If after this long he still doesn’t love me will he ever? I’m scared every single day that Chris will break up with me. He might find someone better or someone that hasn’t put a load of happy weight on. He might get bored of being so incredibly patient with me. There might be some awful excuse to end it with me. That’s what all those other guys did to me.
I live in fear of losing this because all I know is men hurting me. All I’ve ever known is that I’ve never been good enough for someone, anyone and yet maybe I am now. I just need to figure out how to let go and enjoy it. I need to trust that if Chris becomes unhappy with me, he’ll tell me. I also need to trust that he won’t hurt me unnecessarily. He’s a good one and I can’t wait to see the future. In the mean time, if I go quiet again for a while it’s because I’m happy.
If you see a blog post soon, it’s either a funny story about Chris and I or there’ll be a shortage of tissues because I’m crying and heartbroken.