*Disclaimer: Since writing this post, the ghostbusters had obviously done a good job because he called me. He retired from ghosting and we had a long talk over the phone. Some of this post may not ring true to me anymore after talking. I understand more now, but that doesn’t mean I respect his decision any more than I did before. Another post will come from that.*
People keep asking me how I’m doing.
I’m not criticising them at all! They care and they want to make sure I’m ok. Equally, I think most of them are expecting me to be fine.
One positive is that I’ve finally moved out of the stage where I was knocking back a mixture of sleeping tablets just to get through each day. While I was asleep, I didn’t feel sad or hurt and I couldn’t think about him. I struggle to sleep still and the pain and thoughts about him haven’t gone away; but I don’t need all the pills anymore to get through. Not sleeping pills anyway.
Currently, I’m standing in one of the deepest holes I’ve ever been in. If I look up, the escape at the top gets smaller and smaller. This is different to how it was with Chris*. This one hurts more and yet, ironically, Chris actually treated me better in the break up than Will* has.
Will is acting like a completely different person. The version of him that broke up with me and since then, is not even close to the version I spent 2 and a half years with. The one I was with was loving and caring. He loved me. This one is cowardly and has treated me in a way that would make anyone question whether he ever really cared.
He has two daughters.
This man has two young daughters and I need to make sure everyone knows that he is the best Dad in the entire World. He absolutely can never be faulted in anything he does as a Father. But, if any man ever treated his daughters the way he’s now treated me, he’d be absolutely livid. He’d be disgusted if his daughters ever experienced what he’s done now and this heartbreak.
He cut and run.
Nothing mature about it.
Will is a good man. I can’t stress this enough! He always treated me with complete respect (until now) and loved me (until when, who the fuck knows). People at work keep saying if they fly with him they’ll give him a piece of their mind.
I guarantee, they won’t. Will is impossible to hate. He’s that good a man and he’s that easy to get on with that nobody can hate him. Everybody will love him.
I’m going to quickly take a bitter second to say something that is immature but I am feeling it… I hope that if he goes out and starts sleeping with loads of other cabin crew he catches syphilis or chlamydia or something! It’s not that harsh! I’m not wishing him dead; he’ll be fine after a dose of antibiotics but he deserves to catch something as karma. I know he won’t but just in case.
I sound selfish but I want him to feel pain. I want him to feel the hurt and heartbreak that he has made me feel as a result of his actions. Desperately, I want him to have to hear the following words over and over again,
“You’re an idiot. You’ve made the biggest mistake of your life letting her go.”
But he won’t hear them. He has walked away with zero guilt and zero repercussions. He’ll tell people that we broke up so they’ll think it was mutual and tell him they’re sorry to hear it.
WE didn’t break up. It wasn’t amicable. It wasn’t a conversation that we had together and decided as a pair. YOU broke us.
You made a decision for us without even checking it was right. He didn’t even think that as an adult, in an adult relationship, he should have talked about it first.
I’ve sat for ages thinking in this dark hole.
Somebody asked me how long it’s been and yesterday it really hit me that it’s been over 6 weeks now.
6 weeks later and I’m still so broken. Less than 6 weeks is all it took for him to completely walk away and forget I even existed.
It took him less than 6 weeks.
I really thought after a little time he’d message me. I keep holding hope that the message will come through where he tells me he made a mistake. He asks to talk or to meet. He remembers how much he loved me and how happy we were.
Then the penny dropped.
Will is never going to admit the mistake. That message is never going to come through. He will never be the good Will that I was with for so long. The version of him that treated me with respect. He has become the version who ended things. The version that he would be ashamed of.
The version of himself that walked away and left me like my Dad did. The one who never looked back. That version that he would be so angry with if a man treated his daughters like this.
People tell me I should try to message him. Try to reach out. I did try with my Father. I tried so many times and was still met with silence. With rejection.
I’m not strong enough to go through that again. Especially not with someone who still has my entire heart.
I still get asked why.
And to be completely honest with you, I still don’t know why.
So I’m left in this dark hole. I’m left questioning everything all over again.
I’m left still hoping he’s going to come back.
But they never do. Men don’t love me, they leave me.