Once, twice, three times ghosted!
Granted, two of them then a few weeks later came back to apologise for ghosting me and of course included the “it’s not you, it’s me” line in one way or another.
One of the guys is sadly Pete* from my last date. My first toe back in the water was successful, it seemed successful… and then it didn’t.
Let’s start this chronologically though.
Three Times Ghosted begins.
The first one was a guy I met on a popular dating app with a bee theme where women have to initiate chats after matching.
He seemed alright while chatting and asked me for my number so we could move onto texting.
He was very open and honest (that’s the bare minimum a man should be so I’m not giving him a lifetime achievement award but sadly the bar has been set in hell).
We talked for a few weeks and in those messages he was quite full on at times. In hindsight I can see it was the beginning of a sort of love bombing: he was so over the top saying I’m amazing and he was desperate to meet me quickly. He was really keen. Too keen!
I didn’t mind so much because it was full on but to seem so interested and then suddenly not is ridiculous. Classic fuckboy behaviour.
The second guy was another one I met online on a dating app. He seemed great at first.
This one was a little older than me, but anyone who knows me knows I like older. He’s Canadian. He was funny, honest and keen to meet up.
We arranged to meet and then he cancelled… and ghosted! He cancelled with no reason and then didn’t speak to me again. Ignored my last message and didn’t say anything.
A few weeks later he messaged me out of the blue. I was already over it because I figured he’d just ghosted me.
His message was long!
It apologised for the ghosting and explained that he was going through some stuff and wasn’t ready to date. I respect that.
He told me he hoped I would meet my tall, dark and handsome suitor soon because I’m amazing and deserve to meet the best (insert eye roll emoji).
And that was it.
The third ghosting in the same two week period came from Pete. After months of exchanging messages that flowed with ease and an amazing first date, he ghosted me. I mean, as you’ll know from my previous post about him, he actually ghosted me a few times!! I should really have just respected the dead with him because he’s a fully fledged ghost.
He decided the best way to end things was to ignore me and not say a single word.
Until about two weeks later when he said a few words.
He apologised (again and again – he’s very good at apologies) and explained that he just wasn’t ready to date; he’s not over the ex. Of course he added that I’m a catch and any guy would be lucky to have me but he just couldn’t give me the time and attention I deserved.
Again, I completely respected his honesty and he showed good character in making sure he messaged to let me know. He could have ghosted me completely. Which was probably his intention but still.
However, and you all knew there would be a however with me. There is one aspect of this that really pisses me off.
As a heterosexual man, saying things like I’m not ready to date after over a year and a half since the ex, you’re met with comments like “Well done you! Take all the time you need. That’s so amazing he’s being honest”.
A man is given permission to take as long as he needs to get over a break up.
A heterosexual woman experiences it very differently!
Instead, after only 5 months I’m told “you should really put yourself out there again. You’ll never meet a nice man if you don’t get back in the dating game”.
Why are men allowed to take all the time in the World to heal but women are meant to get back on the horse and find herself a nice man? Like it’s our responsibility to FIND a nice man!
THERE AREN’T ANY!
Tell me where to find them and I’ll look.
Or, better yet, tell them where to find nice women and maybe they could take the responsibility instead of us.
It’s a full blown example of the gender romance gap and in my opinion, it’s absolute bullshit!
*Side note: when I’m talking about the gender romance gap here, I can only do it from the point of view of a cis heterosexual woman dating heterosexual men. I’m certain there will be many people in different relationships who still agree with it though.*
I’m 31 years old. Pete is nearly 40 years old and my ex, Will*, is 43 years old. Why is it that the responsibility is placed on me to find a nice man and get back out there? How come these men excused from it when actually they’re older and closer to a lonely death than I am?
Why is it our responsibility to find nice men when there doesn’t appear to be any left out there? Oh I know I’ll get a lot of comments from straight men here saying I’m being unfair, and maybe I am! But I can only speak from experience.
Why can’t they be responsible for finding the nice women?
Can we please normalise letting women take all the time they need to get over a breakup the way men get all the time they need? I’d like to see men being told the clock is ticking and women being told to enjoy their lives.
We are worth a lot more than our ability to find a nice man.