The Ultimate Disappearing Act

Well.

Here we are.

Somewhere I never thought I would be.

I agonised with this post. I wrote and rewrote it so many times.

Words describing my pain filled this page. I had so many more to say; to share.

Then I couldn’t share them all.

Will* is a private person. I still love him so I couldn’t write them all. I couldn’t spill parts of me without sharing parts of him. I’m trying to respect him still so instead, this is a shortened part. A part that still keeps some for him.

I need to begin because I don’t want anyone to forget something important. Will is a good man. He treated me better than I ever could have dreamed of. That’s what makes this so much harder; no relationship is perfect but we were an almost perfect fit together. He showed me how I should be treated in a relationship. I don’t want anyone, including myself to forget how good he was to me.

He just handled this situation very poorly. He handled it in a way that would suggest he didn’t love me.

When I wrote my last post, I was loved.

I wrote and posted and shared because I felt so safe and secure. Words that equated to my lifetime of happiness ahead sit in my drafts folder. They were ready to see the World. I felt that it was safe to shout it from mountains.

I shouted from mountains how in love I was and how someone loved me back. Then, just like that, he left me. Out of the blue, he left me.

The words in the drafts folder will forever stay there. The lifetime of happiness ahead has been cut short.

I never saw it coming.

When I gave Will my heart made of glass, I trusted him with it so completely. I watched him this entire time handle my glass heart so gently and carefully. He looked after it with love. I felt ready for that to be the rest of my life. I wanted that forever.

But he only loved me in the morning because by the afternoon one day, he suddenly didn’t. He let go. My glass heart was dropped from his hands to fall to the floor and shatter.

Will walked away.

He turned around and walked away without even looking back to make sure I was ok. The man I trusted so much couldn’t even take a minute to double check it was the right thing.

He cut a chord and left me trying to catch my breath.

The ultimate disappearing act.

102,766 miles flown together all forgotten by him. Adventures and future plans that he promised, he will just do without me. Someone else will stand in my place.

I wasn’t given a reason.

Never had any clarity as to why this was happening.

I’m only left with my imagination trying to make sense of it. So many questions to try to rationalise a seemingly irrational and hasty decision.

Was I just a play thing to act as support during his tough times and a Worldwide Pandemic? A free removal buddy to help move house. Now these things are coming to an end, he doesn’t need me anymore?

Was there someone else? To move on so quickly suggests there is someone else. Is it someone at work? Someone I’ll have to see? I’ll never know.

Did other people poison his feelings by feeding him their opinions on our lifestyle choices and our future? This particular part has angered me so much that I want to dedicate an entire blog post!

So. Here we are.

I was loved.

Then he walked away without looking back like I never meant anything.

The ultimate disappearing act.