So, I went on a date.
I went on a first date with somebody I’d never met before.
We had been texting for a month or so.
After Will* ended things with me and tore my World apart from the inside. Something I never saw coming. An inside job that completely floored me; I didn’t think I’d ever want to date again. I’d even said in my previous post that the thought of being near anyone else made me feel over anxious.
I felt terrified to even try to date again.
A friend of mine stepped in and asked to take me out for a beer and a catch up. He was offering an ear for me to vent and some useful advice because he’d been in a similar situation but on the other side of it. Well you’ll soon see this friend deserves some serious friend points!
While having a beer and letting me vent and cry a little, this friend said he knew it was probably too soon but he had a mate that he really wanted me to meet. He went in and told me that he thought we’d both really get on well and even if we just had a beer and a good laugh, that was good enough.
He was convinced we needed to meet.
I was at a point where I didn’t care anymore. I’m convinced that my love life is a shambles. Nobody will be interested in me.
What’s the point?
But, reluctantly and curiously, I agreed to take the phone number being offered and send a message.
There was something in the feels about this one. I guess I figured what do I have to lose?
I sent the text.
He replied but luckily he had been warned of my impending message so it didn’t come as a surprise.
We exchanged texts for a bit and got on really well. He made me laugh a lot over those messages!
I could sense he was holding back a bit. I kind of knew he was recovering from heartbreak too. It had happened much longer ago than mine but nobody has a time frame on their healing.
Hell, I wasn’t exactly sat with no scars or wounds still visible.
Everything went quiet.
Now, I have a habit of sending one message about a week after being ghosted. Call me a mug and get some coffee in me but, I always give that one small element of a chance just in case. It’s never anything major but just a simple
“Hey, how’s it going? How was your week?”
If I get a reply then ok but if I don’t, we move one.
Thank you, next.
I was amazed to receive a reply. Even more so when the reply contained an apology!
There was an apology, a poor excuse but I’ll allow it because the apology seemed genuine. He could have ignored it completely. Could have never spoken to me again. But he came in with an apology.
Don’t get me wrong, I gave him some serious shit for ghosting me. We laughed and joked about it and he took it like a champ. Not like a man because actually men don’t always take criticism well.
We sparked conversation again for a while before suddenly… gone again.
Another time going quiet.
Well there is no second chance there mate. I’m not offering another olive branch because I hate olives and have burned all of the branches.
Time passed and I figured nothing of it. It wasn’t anything to begin with. I wasn’t exactly losing sleep over this man I’d never met. A man I’d never even seen a photo of!
Will was still fully taking over my thoughts, my emotions, my sense of shitty self worth that he’d now caused. I remained in my pile of unloveable self that couldn’t come to terms with being broken by Will. So out of the blue.
Anyway, I digress! For once this isn’t about him.
So last week I randomly receive a message that simply read
Well I instantly took a screenshot and sent it to the mutual friend who thought this guy was amazing for me. I wrote a message with it asking if he honestly thought I was going to reply to this random ‘Hey’ after all this time?
This is how the conversation started. Bitch please if you think I’m going to reply all excited to hear from you…
He seemed to love my bluntness though! It drew him in.
Now, we talked. We messaged for a few days and eventually he asked me for a drink.
It’s a date.
I’m an even bigger mug. I probably shouldn’t have gone for the drink but it was quite possibly the best date I’ve ever been on. Shit that’s saying something!
We met at a wine bar. I got there first and sat down. I had no idea really what this guy looked like other than a blurry photo our Cupid had sent me. While I sat there nervously I just kept thinking what an idiot I am.
Then, Pete* walked past the window, looked at me and smiled. The door opened and I’ve never been so relieved in my entire life to see such a good looking guy smiling at me.
Straight away it felt comfortable.
I relaxed instantly and judging by his body language, he felt comfortable too.
We drank wine, chatted and laughed for hours! I gave him a lot of shit about ghosting me and he took it well. We just clicked.
I’m not sitting here saying it was love at first sight. He probably hates me but is a better actor than I am. I’m just saying there was chemistry. We sparked off each other. Conversation flowed.
It never felt awkward.
I have chosen not to include any information about him and I’m really sorry about that! He doesn’t have social media and is a pretty private person. Also really I’m terrified to because if I share anything, it all goes tits up and blows up in my face.
Time flew by and suddenly the bar was closing. We left but neither of us wanted it to end so we got a cocktail at another bar.
*side note – I’m going to plug the bar because it’s a gorgeous coffee place and cocktail bar owned by some friends that are an absolute power couple. Tattam’s in Guildford, Surrey! Go and support them please haha.
Pete and I carried on laughing and chatting. Again, the bar was closing and we didn’t want it to end so we headed to another bar. A really grimey one that neither of us had been to for years! It was student night and we were far from being student ages.
That night; and that date; with that man.
For the first time since Will broke my heart, I didn’t think about him once for the entire night.
I was so present in that moment with Pete. He had my full, undivided attention. I was solely focused on him. He had a charisma and charm. He sat close enough to me that I always knew he was comfortable but not too close that it made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t fault any of that date.
Other than we ran out of time!
We’ve messaged a bit since but he’s away with work mates so I know he’s busy. His messages are now few and far between.
I feel stuck here.
I’m trying really hard not to feel too positive. I’m trying to dull the spark I felt that night and still feel now. I need to not think about Pete. I’m terrified I’ve already ruined it and he’ll never speak to me again or want to see me again.
It was one date. It’s one man.
I’ve been on loads of dates before!
This one was different. No pressure.
Although now I’m putting pressure on myself. I can’t try too hard. I need to not message him. I’m supposed to wait for him to message me. I shouldn’t come across too keen or it’ll scare him off. God forbid you ever tell a man you had a nice time on a date with him.
The rules are ridiculous!
I’m a grown adult and I’m meant to follow a bunch of rules I don’t even know anymore. I’m meant to play it cool when really I’m not cool.
I hope to see him again. But I don’t feel confident he wants to. I’m back sending myself down a hole that says it’s because I’m not good enough.
I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I am almost forcing it to end before it’s even begun.
It was one date with one man. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to see me again.
One date with one man means maybe someone will fancy me again. It means there are some men out there who might be a good match for me. I’m not religious but please God, if this guy wants to ghost me, please don’t let him be the only match for me out there!!