From The Ashes

From The Ashes

I promise I’m trying. 

I’m trying to rise from the ashes and be better. I promise I am trying to feel better.

It’s been a struggle.

I’ve hid it well though because nobody seems to realise how much I’m struggling. Hanging on by a thread.

Don’t get me wrong: as in my previous post, everyone has been wonderful. I’ve been very lucky with support from all angles.

I have found some difficult though. I suppose this might help as a ‘What not to say to a friend dealing with a break up’.

I’ve had the opinions of 

“it sounds like a cop out, there must be a darker reason why he’s ended it” 

“He just could never see you as his forever”

“He probably never really loved you but now he’s realised it” 

“He took the easy way out” 

Some are right!

His reasons do sound like a cop out. He knows I think it was cowardly but that’s between us. Telling me he never loved me or he never saw me as his forever is pretty harsh though! Also telling someone who’s Father walked away easily with no guilt that the love of her life did the same thing, hurts too. Is it easy to leave me? That cuts pretty deep so thanks. 

When Will* first broke me into pieces, one of my best friends took me for a walk and the first thing she said to me was the best. If there is any advice I can give you to help a friend in the same situation, this is it. She said to me

“What do you need? Do you need me to be quiet and listen? Do you need me to give advice where I can? Do you need me to bitch about him and say nasty things?”

She gave me the opportunity to tell her what I needed at that moment. That’s what friends need. We don’t need to be told we were never loved or we were never someone’s forever. We don’t need to be told that there must be another dark reason involved. 

Not everybody lies.

Not everything ends because somebody cheated or lied. Sometimes it ends because it just does. Do I agree with why it ended? No. But it did. He ended it and all I can do is trust his reasons. 

I still check my phone for messages from him. I still think our rotas just haven’t matched up so we’ve got time between seeing each other. I get pissed off when he messages me and jokes like him hurting me isn’t a big deal to him. Even though I’ve said it in clear black and white, he can’t seem to compute that he hurt me. I know he doesn’t mean it like that. Christ, he’s so nice it’s like I’ve been dumped by the bloody Easter Bunny! He’s not malicious at all, but it’s like he’s incapable of registering how much he hurt me. 

Do all men do this? 

I’ve thought about trying to go on dates again. I don’t mind the chatting. I feel the anxiety rise in my throat when I think about someone else touching me.

I only want Will to hold me.

I’m scared to let someone else put their arms around me in case it doesn’t feel as safe. Will was my home. What if nobody else feels like home again? The thought of someone else kissing me kind of makes me want to throw up. So that’s great! 

Also, what if sex is never as good again?? What if nobody is as good as Will (Fuck you Will, you’re not some sex God), but what if I don’t have that click with someone else ever again for the rest of my life?? 

Am I catastrophising? 

Ok, maybe a little.

People ask me if I’ve got closure now. I don’t think I can ever get closure. How do you close something off that you never saw ending? It’s like Will cut it off half way through. He cut me off mid sentence; mid breath. How do you find closure for something that you don’t think should have been closed? It feels unfinished. There was so much left in us. 

He cut me off mid breath. He cut us off mid sentence. Half way through our story. 

But, from the ashes of a half burnt fire, I have to come out of it. I’m struggling and I’m hanging on by a thread but I don’t have a choice. The alternative and only way to not come out the other side is unthinkable. 

So I will. From the ashes, I will be better.

Not yet. But I will. 

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