I want to say Thank you.
Thank you to all of you.
I’ve received so many messages. More than I ever thought I would from people checking in, offering advice or places to escape to for a while. Dog walks, coffee dates, ears to rant to and anything in between! People I don’t know very well, people I haven’t spoken to in years, even people I’ve never even met; all took the time to just say ‘I’m thinking of you. I hope you’re ok’.
My heart might be in pieces but from the absolute bottom of each and every shard, I want to say Thank you. It has meant the world to me. More than many of you will ever know.
I’m still in a hole but I’m going to sit there for a little longer if that’s ok? I haven’t ignored your kind offers and they definitely haven’t gone unnoticed.
I’m just taking some time.
Growing up I had friendship groups. I had so many wonderful friends but all through school, college and even University, I let myself drift away. They were always amazing people but I always disappeared and ended up withdrawing from them. How can somebody leave you if you’re never really there to begin with? It felt easier that way.
To all of you, I am sorry.
I still have some close friends from school but not many. It’s why I’ve never been a bridesmaid, why I don’t get invited to many hen dos. It’s why I don’t have those close friendships with old school friends like most other people do.
In my adult years, I did some work. I started seeing counsellors and therapists. I wanted to change and I put the work in. A lot of work.
Now, I have my people.
I have my people who know all of me; the good, the bad and the ugly. The people I can’t drift away from because they’d never let it happen. The ones who pull me closer when I’m falling away. Those people who I have chosen to be my family (I’m sorry guys, but you’re stuck with me). I put enough work into myself that I’ve finally made these friendships that I can’t let myself drift away from. I’m even going to be a bridesmaid!
What I’ve learned recently is that it doesn’t matter if you have your people or not. There are so many incredibly wonderful people out there whose lives you have touched. Turns out I’ve touched a lot of people (obviously joke intended). When you are at your lowest, they come and surround you. They put their hands out for you to grab and climb out of your hole.
I worked trips since Will* where crew came to my room to make sure I was eating and wasn’t spending all my time alone in my head. Crew members who hugged me if they noticed a stray tear roll down my cheek while away. Colleagues and friends who came to sit in my hotel room on a work trip just to listen to me cry and rant.
At home people met me for a drink just so I had some company. Friends who took me for walks so it encouraged me to shower that day and get some fresh air. They knew what I needed even if I didn’t know myself.
My phone lit up with messages, even from people who had their own crap going on. Messages from near strangers to say ‘Just checking in’. People from school reaching out to let me know they were there if I needed or wanted.
Thank you for checking in. I appreciate every single message, love heart emoji sent via social media, every poem or video shared to lift my spirits; even just for a second. Thank you all for reminding me that being loved isn’t always by just one person. Thank you for showing me that no matter what mistakes I’ve made in the past, you see me as the person I am now.
Somebody who is just lost and looking to be loved. Thank you all for loving me.